tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85294716630754534922024-03-05T14:20:27.124-08:00WHIMSY RANTSA Blog of my writings, poems, opinion pieces and rants.The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-6086257834589952522012-07-23T10:53:00.001-07:002012-07-23T10:53:22.240-07:00POWM<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">He walks with smiles
through spills of budging mumblers</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">shorn of locks. The
sandy tiles reflecting</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">talking chins.
Encompassing music falls</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">like sleet. A shiny road
bordered fiercely</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">with shops. The staff,
like soldiers after war</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">patrolling fields of cloudy
gory jewels.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And in the street they
dress as superman</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">with forms and forceful
laughter they descend</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">and rip the pennies from
the bashful kind</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">for beasts and babies.
The photogenic sluts</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">adorning all their
posters with their tears.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">He watches from a window
safe and separate.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And then he sees the
girl with hairy tits</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">fading through the
crowd. She swats his eye</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">and quickly turns away.
He keeps on walking</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">towards the nearest
sliding doors. A modern</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">miracle of glass that
often jams.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Then air conditioning
wheezes like a slave.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And in the cafe with a
tea and keyboard</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">he taps away and empties
vibeing brain cells </span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB"> out on the screen. They look like suited
chimps</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">all woolly, dense and
dressed up for a party.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">He overhears a woman
loudly moaning</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">about the price of
coffee. He hates bitches</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">with that tone of voice.
He hits full stop.</span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-83707163010537297642012-07-21T01:07:00.000-07:002012-07-21T01:07:08.142-07:00Waiting<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7RSF0UpZQdzKLq7fagxiQbzeNSiijyQkU8-SagOMKCRlapD6U3ZlHA7MSX_wRWocCdph2TezKn8hZxb6_Lhkdi_ZlrUA-bWJZG6-5OLhUqTgzd23XlfPVXG1_E2DEobBcx_1RivDihQA/s1600/rothko8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7RSF0UpZQdzKLq7fagxiQbzeNSiijyQkU8-SagOMKCRlapD6U3ZlHA7MSX_wRWocCdph2TezKn8hZxb6_Lhkdi_ZlrUA-bWJZG6-5OLhUqTgzd23XlfPVXG1_E2DEobBcx_1RivDihQA/s320/rothko8.jpg" width="264" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Yellow stripes across the creamy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">curtains. Hanging ruffled by the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">solid squares of hunkered cushions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">pitched together, front of speckled<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">windows white with roving light.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Passing motors under chirping<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">birds. A watered rinse of sky<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">and fluffy serpents white and diving<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">down into the swoon of rooftops.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Along the street, no face, no feet<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">tramp along the crumpled bend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">I, alone, sitting meekly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">under floors, under sky<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">pondering the time and place<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> and
by what phrase shall it be framed?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Fading brightness storms the moment,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">stillness itches with the pace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Down the road, a silent cyclist<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">passes on my silent breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Windows grey with leaving day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Creamy patches on the eggshell<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">curtains. Scrunched and tightly wrinkled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> Frowning
hunkered chairs conspire<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">together. Before the dappled windows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Sunny phantoms of the atoms<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">melt upon my iceberg mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-29941958992740984992012-07-21T01:00:00.000-07:002012-07-21T01:00:01.890-07:00Tired Writer<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEaDFL1JfelO_orneK6WmjJsuUr-B9hvHL2_PPldE2vlvwYPeiaLzYgb__TRlSQrdivvQGrDakmRAX6DA8mnH3e1UFQZMEEvORjsYePjUiFcKkezIF19YxTvWJMZ1BjjWDF0y0bSYl3js/s1600/morningwalk_7_3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEaDFL1JfelO_orneK6WmjJsuUr-B9hvHL2_PPldE2vlvwYPeiaLzYgb__TRlSQrdivvQGrDakmRAX6DA8mnH3e1UFQZMEEvORjsYePjUiFcKkezIF19YxTvWJMZ1BjjWDF0y0bSYl3js/s320/morningwalk_7_3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Gentle moss sleeps<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Between the stiff grey crags<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Outside my door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Upstairs my ghost creates<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">stories within the memory flat<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">I have no key for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Writers voice complains<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">in my jar of skull crammed scrap<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">his sullen war<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">and who’s to say what notes cannot be
played?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Outside,
a fat and throaty bird is coughing…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Shall all my keys lay dusty with the
weight<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">of our traditions? Every balding faith?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">…in
elbow holding breeze. An empty morning.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_LpSMxJxHbRhFbqXobf0OI2oYdg5dkozWg9XSnlNsaLPvUO6CI8gp3UMEtYAP7dPIBeILbd1FLqX69Zg4L_yZkhOhIBdfA9JECS_lkSmGlhzAzBStA8S6P3HW_kfUgQs5h-R4axPZfaA/s1600/dusty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_LpSMxJxHbRhFbqXobf0OI2oYdg5dkozWg9XSnlNsaLPvUO6CI8gp3UMEtYAP7dPIBeILbd1FLqX69Zg4L_yZkhOhIBdfA9JECS_lkSmGlhzAzBStA8S6P3HW_kfUgQs5h-R4axPZfaA/s1600/dusty.jpg" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></i></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-64686431575089270272012-06-24T05:55:00.003-07:002012-06-24T09:30:55.411-07:00The Distinctive Match<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgPo4oBNK5VIzKH-6zJiivzettP6mlGa_WPF0t5ArNlJff1YzQIEOxPCKB2Gmq5PF88D6vHPlU3GKfOSINpeYNnXBYjtlPx0smxhrHxGT-ETG-kcEQZLjg9D-6C7vd81a7jjkdsrvliZw/s1600/Brain+cell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgPo4oBNK5VIzKH-6zJiivzettP6mlGa_WPF0t5ArNlJff1YzQIEOxPCKB2Gmq5PF88D6vHPlU3GKfOSINpeYNnXBYjtlPx0smxhrHxGT-ETG-kcEQZLjg9D-6C7vd81a7jjkdsrvliZw/s320/Brain+cell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">So how am I to say I am not you? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">You’re clever, vegan, Tory. You are right</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">perhaps your frontal lobes are better used</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">but a bare ladies foot does not excite</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">my passions in the way yours seem to flare</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">and how on earth could you vote for that man</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">the Thatcher version of our Tony Blair?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Your sweet tooth drools for foods I think are bland.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">My judgement on your casserole? Its Plain</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Can I not tempt you with a fleshy pie?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">I ponder on our differences. Its vain</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">To focus on divergences implied.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Perhaps beyond our clashing points of view</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">There lies a greater, deeper sense of truth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Behind the brain what subtle charms inspire</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">the subjectivity of casual thought?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">It is to greater levels I aspire</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">but my pre-governed actions prove my fraud.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">We are indeed all wedged within the web</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">of animated chemicals in space</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">and time. So should my principled vignette </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">by neuro analysing be replaced?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">It is so hard to be both man and moralist</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">When all these facts of life reduce you down</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">and God is but a retiring illusionist</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">in some transitory circus leaving town.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Our unrivalled babble in the silence</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">is optimism camouflaging science.
</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-68771479385143473112012-06-22T13:24:00.004-07:002012-06-24T06:39:23.928-07:00How does this gentle water really work?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">How does this gentle
water really work? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">I mean, by swiftly
arcing over limbs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Of foliage, or
breathless teeming glints<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">of brown spontaneous
depths, can sooth the hurt<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">I felt before I strode
along your banks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">This river is my rambling
confidant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">It filters out the
minerals from the silt <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">As meditating, I fall
on thoughts withheld<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And pierce my vision
through the surging sphinx<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Until I, chance,
discern my murky mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">So soft, the babbling
weep of lingering sound.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Bluebells lace the
rimples of your brow <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">As I do tread the
clefting of the plough<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And know that
something hallowed yokes the ground.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">How does this gentle
water really work?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">I ask this as I mooch
about the ark<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And notice how the
seasoned grain is me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">With blood all spewing
into tiny trees<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">that litter all my
meaty bony garb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">This vain and timely life
span is a lark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And all this temporary
discourse in the park<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">This aimless dynamo of
secret fire<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Baking every insight
and desire<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Lives beside this
elemental spark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">How does this gentle
water really work? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgePVBB8NwNhCx7YndlgCaROlv39ZkiiSAofksEh8ViGHJdPtowjh-s1wadaCDGCFQpZMGLkYt-YXtlUAZ7a11pjnKaRNj2SIXsB_RSXjQLdY4oa-3Mqu2nWwri71l5lpnPe_0Sou7PZIw/s1600/river-meditation-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgePVBB8NwNhCx7YndlgCaROlv39ZkiiSAofksEh8ViGHJdPtowjh-s1wadaCDGCFQpZMGLkYt-YXtlUAZ7a11pjnKaRNj2SIXsB_RSXjQLdY4oa-3Mqu2nWwri71l5lpnPe_0Sou7PZIw/s1600/river-meditation-2.jpg" /></a></div>
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-10475328500070669022012-06-18T10:26:00.001-07:002012-06-18T10:30:14.115-07:00Aspirations Expiry Date<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB">Destiny has two ways of crushing us – by refusing our wishes and by
fulfilling them.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Henri Frederic Amiel</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">While pondering on what to write an article about, it
occurred to me that often the most profitable areas of enquiry are those that
we find most difficult to begin. Those areas that make us uncomfortable, that
sicken us, disgust us, frighten us or otherwise unnerve us to the degree that
we turn away from our personal shadows , bolt the cellar door of the
unconscious and go merrily skipping into the sunlight singing ‘I'm okay, you're
okay tra la la.’ </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">For some reason, that I hope to discover in writing
this article, one such area for me appears to be the failure to fulfil our
dreams. True I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled and most likely never
will be due to a lack of talent, opportunity or general ballsiness. What these
dreams are is immaterial and writing about them would be introversion to the
point of nausea inducing madness. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">It stands to reason that since most human beings are
the same (minus the odd axe wielding psycho and Coldplay fan) and we all go
through the same gamut of experiences from A to Z with a big dash of O, that
therefore we all have dreams that are currently going and will ever go
unfulfilled. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">What a sad predicament. But what do we ever hear of
it? Surely such a personal tragedy must leave huge gaping war wounds in the
psyche like some sort of Freudian trauma bomb?</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">This seems to be an area largely untouched by
professional psychologists so maybe I, a balding, potbellied, perverted yet classically
heroic figure of a man should have a quick poke and see what scurries out into
the light of cold prose.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Our dreams reflect part of our general identity or
chicken, egg, egg, chicken. Our dreams indeed find a place in our very heart,
our very soul, that special part of us that Richard Dawkins would rightly
identify as being a tangle of neurotransmitters in some sort of chemical gloop.
In short they are part of the highest essence of who we hold ourselves to be,
they are intricate to our self image and feature highly in our values in the
present moment and our goals for the future. Try to imagine a future with no
dreams, no hope and no golden sun of opportunity on the horizon and see what
you are left with.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Another truth to consider is that we never truly can
fulfil our dreams. Even those who seemingly have lived lives of amazing
fulfilment have probably never scratched the surface of their wish pile and
their actual dreams may not be the exceptional circumstances that they found
themselves in. One man's Elvis is another man's Einstein.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB"> Plus our dreams
may be so idiosyncratic as to be for ever unattainable in any medium. The wise
man will tend to aim his arrow at the largest, vaguest target available in the
hopes that wherever he hits will be adequate and he is already steeled to the
fact that the bull's-eye is out of range.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">The dreary aunt or god awful uncle who kneels down on
arthritic knees and asks the precocious tyke “so what did you want to be when
you grow up?” will often get some highfalutin answer, plucked from the highest
spires of ambition, undiluted by the existential beige of existence in a way
only children can manage. Even if they only say ‘Fireman’ they are tapping into
their true source of joy and will probably, tragically, end up as some sexually
frustrated, diabetic, desk clerk dreaming of rescuing wenches from fires whilst
straightening a paperclip behind a cardboard desk in the middle of nowhere,
Uttoxeter.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">So we live in a world full of damaged ambitious people
and unharmed dullards. Is it any wonder that millions turn to the sweet,
lulling oblivion of the narcotic? Is it any wonder that one of the main causes
of depression, mental imbalance, drunkenness, and unnatural idleness is a
feeling of detachment from life, a feeling of profound sadness, a feeling of
betraying your true identity?</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have done no case studies but I can base my
assertions on the hundreds of everyday conversations that I have had with
people from every walk of life. The most satisfied and stable of people are
those who do what they love. Those who spend their time profitably mining the
depths of their fancies.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Scars tend to build thicker skin. This is both a
poetic metaphor and a fact of life. We have a need as a species to be
challenged. Without the frightful lows there can be no dizzying highs. It is
our weaknesses prodded and our tempers provoked that eventually brings out our
strengths. If a man climbs a mountain in a single leap or with no loss of
breath then there is no satisfaction at finally gaining the summit. Ah, but
what if we never attain the summit? Or even the cafe at the first bus stop on
the way to the mountain? Well then we must learn what has stopped us. We must
confront our weaknesses; we must stare down our failure. It is in our failure
that our greatest triumphs can be born. How many people will tell us this?
Isn’t failure a thing to be feared and turned from in our culture? </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Old people will tell you that regret bites harder then
failure. Indeed, in retrospect, our failures tend to lead to our best moments
and it is the moments when we did not even dare fail that stand out as bleak
and unfortunate. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Life tends to be depicted as being like the seasons of
the year. The spring of youth, the summer of adolescence, the autumn of middle
age (known in the states as the fall of man) and a bleak winter of pensions before
the second childhood of spring arises again.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Life is a rich tapestry and like any rich tapestry we
are drawn to the loose ends, to the frayed corners. A painting of an ugly crone
will attract more eyeballs then a pretty well-lit kitten. We are drawn to the
wrong, the perverse, the ill fitting and gaudy like moths to blowtorches. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Only the naive would wish for a life filled only with
sweetness and light. So remember to not only expect the spice of failure and
defeat but to welcome it into your life. Stories of your failures will elicit
more free drinks and charity then stories of amazing acrobatics in the jungle
of life.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Books of advice written by the unknowing for the un improvable,
commonly known as self help books will give advice about achieving success,
financial abundance, better erections, better mortgages and everything in
between. For a wad of profit these wizards will offer to spring clean your
lifestyle or at least give you a lump of tissue and point you in the direction of
the sludge armed with inspiring advice such as ‘just go for it,’ ‘stress is
bad,’ ‘find your inner child guru consultant blah blah blah.’ </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Grinning idiots will believe in the veracity of this
advice and so chase ever distant and unprofitable concepts of success with
little forethought of what they will do when they get there or whether the
destination is worth the bumpy ride. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Illusions are often worth destroying. In much the same
way that sacred cows make the most wonderful farting sound when they burst. Our
illusions comfort us and strangle us like a favourite childhood scarf trapped
in a revolving door. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Dreams are things that we think will give us
something, fulfil some value we hold dear, improve our life but they are often
ill thought out or held over from adolescence. No longer fit for purpose.
Fulfilment is the feeling we get when we truly have something of value, when we
have the maturity of knowing what truly matters in life and that we have
achieved some measure of this thing and failure is, in the case of dreams a
needed, deflating catastrophe. A bump to earth from those flying too close to
the sun and in terms of fulfilment it is a signal that we need to prioritise
our goals and find other sources of satisfaction. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">TV has a lot of blame attached to it. No, it probably
doesn’t entice our young into committing acts of random depravity but it does
hold great sway over the ambitions of many people. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">We all want praise, acknowledgement, affection and all
the things we often think that fame will give us. Andy Warhols famous ‘fifteen minutes of fame’ has
already changed to fifteen seconds of vague blasé dislike. People have different
psychological needs and often they will seek the cure to their needs in false
avenues such as TV stardom. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Humbleness is a quality we have little use for
anymore. It is hardly the sexiest of qualities and yet perhaps it is a good
quality to foster within ourselves. Building inner qualities is a concept that
harks back to the ancient Greeks more then the glut of self help literature of
late and yet it does seem to be timeless advice that holds good.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB">‘To thine own self be true.’ Well, we may never
discover our true selves, such a concept is flimsy at best but it is surely
good advice to learn to love yourself for true qualities you posses. Find the
best within yourself. Learn to love your flaws and embrace your failures. We
are alive to be true. We are here and now to be here and now.</span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-GB"> On your journey
through your life learn to smell the bullshit as well as the roses. They need
each other. Whenever you step on a cowpat just think about beef burgers and
smile. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-82442377896915803322012-05-31T09:12:00.000-07:002012-05-31T09:13:07.726-07:00A Right Royal Frustration (A Pro-Republic Article.)<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">So the Queens Diamond Jubilee is here<b><u> </u></b>and the streets are thronged
with patriotic merriment, little plastic flags and cute triangle sandwiches but
how many of the revellers are here for the monarchy rather then simply because
the council deemed it appropriate to have knees up? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">How many people have considered what it
means to live in a country that clings with fantastical, unapprised vigour to
the outmoded and tawdry tradition that is our constitutional monarchy? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Is this really how we wish to be
represented both at home and abroad? True, the Duke of Edinburgh’s retro and
retrograde humour and salty observations have kept our nation entertained over
the years in much the same way that watching Benny Hill repeatedly slapping a bald
man can certainly offer some second-rate entertainment but why do we not only
put up with this arrangement but celebrate it? Or at least delegate it to our
mental pile of amnesia destined debris? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">How a country is represented, how it
works, its very foundations are important. The details of today are the promoters
of tomorrow. What are the lessons of
history as far as politics goes? Strive for liberty, justice and above all else
freedom. The democratic system has so far been mankind’s preeminent
achievement. Yes it is far from perfect but when compared to the alternatives
it is unrivalled and an unaccountable hereditary public office simply is not attuned
to the best of what we are capable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Let us strive for a clean beginning
divorced from the muddled remnants of the dark ages. Let us concentrate the
power truly in the hands of the people. We all know in our bones that the days
of the monarchy are fast approaching their weary conclusion. So let us reclaim our
right as a nation to choose a head of state and then vote them out when they
screw up and vote in a new one. This is the way of true democracy, this is the
way of choice, the way of divine right is a sham that is not worthy to be
uttered in this centaury and arguments for tourism, appeal, tradition and
respect are all equally as tedious and misguided. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">If you were in a restaurant and they
brought you a substandard meal you would complain, if you were then told that
was the only meal you were allowed and that this was a tradition that had gone
on for hundreds of years you would suspect that someone was losing their grip
on reality. Well people, history has left us holding a cold bowl of gruel. For
the sake of our future it is time to summon the maître d', kick up a fuss and
kick the Royal Family out of power.<o:p></o:p></span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-21855763792117129672010-10-22T10:59:00.000-07:002010-10-22T10:59:58.880-07:00Near Death Experiences & MeDuring the long and somewhat drowzy days of my life i have been lucky enougth to experience several moments of near-death. These experiences of near death are popularly called 'near death experiences.' I thought i would chronicle some of my favourite for you here.<br />
<br />
The first experience came when i was a child and very fond of bumblebees. I would collect any that i found straying into the garden and imprison them within a large glass jar that i would hang by a thin piece of string above my bed, directly over my face so i could observe the relaxing flight of these insipid creatures before i fell asleep.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTL_w_4qgaXMbvXRt951RWd7coph7mJpP8b54_w6Al4K3yJUjpxHxkCpOjea_10KHpEx8nIABY1sflGgyVdu_hVLnfesbFKd7EMw-u6kVaqi9kTC5ULF8QJMbZjRCrb2rB9KJWWbCOo4w/s1600/bee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTL_w_4qgaXMbvXRt951RWd7coph7mJpP8b54_w6Al4K3yJUjpxHxkCpOjea_10KHpEx8nIABY1sflGgyVdu_hVLnfesbFKd7EMw-u6kVaqi9kTC5ULF8QJMbZjRCrb2rB9KJWWbCOo4w/s1600/bee.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Well as you can imagine, one day the inevitable happened when i woke up suddenly, sat bolt upright and got hit in the face with a baseball bat.<br />
<br />
I remember being wheeled into the hospital and then...all was darkness and i could see this vivid white light<br />
swirling in the distance and i remember thinking 'i've got to touch it, i've got to reach the light.' Next thing i remember i woke up in a corridoor of A&E clutching a half eaten bag of maltesers trying to copulate with a vending machine.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnHq61WWVaQE5s_eqUhjg5paJv5RlJHOaa_51oSzBGurLbHuZNL_-RhWgqr4-ajdPnvwBVXu_yDFYO43aVwqcdAuPRStxX6NyUwHe8Azm5YQp8NhwFq6GJJlqmDkEW-DmyZigLzQzlg8A/s1600/tunnel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnHq61WWVaQE5s_eqUhjg5paJv5RlJHOaa_51oSzBGurLbHuZNL_-RhWgqr4-ajdPnvwBVXu_yDFYO43aVwqcdAuPRStxX6NyUwHe8Azm5YQp8NhwFq6GJJlqmDkEW-DmyZigLzQzlg8A/s1600/tunnel.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
My next experience was a little more serene thank god. I was out flying a kite near the edge of a cliff in Hyde Park (i supply my own cliffs for just such occasions) when a sudden gust of wind sent me sailing into the engine of a Boeing 747.<br />
<br />
I remember, once again, the swirling tunnel of bright white light and this time there were voices, a choir of long lost freinds and family chanting in the background 'No more Peas! No more Peas!' It still makes no more sense to me now but i shall ensure i am cremated with a good supply of vegetables.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijM4FWn0JMweShk_eoK18-BvzY2yU1vPhXt6bl8VLRVTv9EfKqaYchAbUqN5ih60Cj7SzxUKLVXrErEg9-9tticMyqd3gc7TPjYbqZIZK7DmJ7o5V9TzGTwa8EMgj5znpwcwwxBps_fXM/s1600/coffin1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijM4FWn0JMweShk_eoK18-BvzY2yU1vPhXt6bl8VLRVTv9EfKqaYchAbUqN5ih60Cj7SzxUKLVXrErEg9-9tticMyqd3gc7TPjYbqZIZK7DmJ7o5V9TzGTwa8EMgj5znpwcwwxBps_fXM/s1600/coffin1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
My next NDE (as we commonly abbreviate the term Near Death Experience to save some of those precious little moments of irretrievable time) came when i was on honeymoon with my third wife Lionel.<br />
She sat on the edge of the bed in order to apply some ointment in an erotic fashion to the tip of my phallic shaped big toe and sent me flying through the ceiling.<br />
When i crash landed she started crying and apologizing, saying that she needed to lose a bit of weight<br />
to stop such things from happening again. I told her that might well be a good idea as she was unnaturally large. She knocked me out with a single blow. I didn't mean to be rude, its just i don't think women should take so many steroids.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqb9czqUeelKP_ZoJUILx46wYY94Jvm7NC3Qk9JcCAc_CG2s-vUPMJpxWOHOicuKbxbwvUW60q0foXkJF3NJw2onXmSRxxaqNCtFceKk1n9zR27FuTR65KK1gcD9aObxzxn_lZ-8IH7Vo/s1600/lady.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqb9czqUeelKP_ZoJUILx46wYY94Jvm7NC3Qk9JcCAc_CG2s-vUPMJpxWOHOicuKbxbwvUW60q0foXkJF3NJw2onXmSRxxaqNCtFceKk1n9zR27FuTR65KK1gcD9aObxzxn_lZ-8IH7Vo/s1600/lady.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div><br />
</div><br />
<br />
My last such Near Death Experience... whoops, sorry... NHE came about last Tuesday. I was out in the garden planting Charlie, Davy and Lilleth (I like to give my marrows names to encourage them to be achievers) when i suddenly felt a tight, fiery pain in my chest.<br />
I finished planting the marrows and then looked down and noticed that i had been wearing my glasses on a chain around my neck and the sunshine had been magnified into a laser beam and burned a hole through my chest.<br />
This wasn't as frightening an ecperience as it sounds because even the worst problem doesn't seem so bad when you are out in the garden with the birds singing.<br />
I went inside the house and tried to phone an ambulance but couldn't lift the reciever. Then i remembered that it was one of those pesky out of body experiences one reads about in Penthouse.<br />
I decided to sit it out and wait for them to revive my body... i've been here for a week... can't be long now... <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAC93GKrlPzQwtueucegxUwwRRZAvwmO4aDNDdLr6NmMHGmJWaa_Z88B4AUyYRCYR44S28tzH4Pdx5L7fOLE4dj5y1gwNr8t9q89rN2gGF7eDtpKho7qZZwAMr8QViPhd4BPYd6Y3N1RY/s1600/skeleton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAC93GKrlPzQwtueucegxUwwRRZAvwmO4aDNDdLr6NmMHGmJWaa_Z88B4AUyYRCYR44S28tzH4Pdx5L7fOLE4dj5y1gwNr8t9q89rN2gGF7eDtpKho7qZZwAMr8QViPhd4BPYd6Y3N1RY/s1600/skeleton.jpg" /></a></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-80339483520737687772010-10-19T10:05:00.000-07:002010-10-19T10:05:02.808-07:00Biscuit Complaint No 7 Vol 14<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwGbjD04XUmZ52nuoqkFzJZmj85nb0AAIAlptj3NLg8XK2_eo7YCSg7xDVSBEbvdRuxrcEFzngN41AfoNZ4yIg6ZMk7FHU68CoRRX6RdpfdkphXwhHEPu3jnGGOCr-8MOFrgEBI_I30Oc/s1600/shortbread.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwGbjD04XUmZ52nuoqkFzJZmj85nb0AAIAlptj3NLg8XK2_eo7YCSg7xDVSBEbvdRuxrcEFzngN41AfoNZ4yIg6ZMk7FHU68CoRRX6RdpfdkphXwhHEPu3jnGGOCr-8MOFrgEBI_I30Oc/s1600/shortbread.jpg" /></a></div><br />
To the manager of the St Angus highland shortbread company,<br />
<br />
Dear Sir, i have been a lifelong admirer of your prowess in the world of biscuit making and my pallet has been given many years of pleasure by the goods i have purchased and consumed from your company.<br />
This makes it at least twice as difficult for me to inform you of what i now have to inform you.<br />
The other day i sat down in my arcmchair with a cup of tea and decided to have a nibble off the end of one of your shortbread buiscuits.<br />
I took one bite and i must inform you that the quality of this particular biscuit fell well below par. In all honesty it was abysmall. Fucking discgraceful.<br />
I don't mean to disparage your company Sir, nor your own well established name. As mentioned above i truely love your highland shortbread, that is indeed why i had purchased some.<br />
Yet i must impress upon you most heavily the anguish that this incident has caused me.<br />
I get three quarters of an hour each day of the week in which to find some solitary bliss within the stresses and strains of the week. I like to spend this time indulging in tea drinking, paper reading and most importantly buiscuit eating.<br />
If this routine is sullied it can throw my fragile life directly off course.<br />
I don't mean to put the responsibility of my wellbeing upon your shoulders Sir, no, no, dear me no!<br />
Yet you can understand how a lack-lustre biscuit could excite one to anger so! Please tell me you understand! All i wanted was a peaceful biscuit that tasted as good as a highland shortbread should, is that too much to ask?!<br />
The incident vexed me so much that i went and quit my job. My wife still refuses to understnad my motives, i have tried to tell her that i cannot work unless i am one hundered percent calm and happy in my daily life but she says i am merely being 'impish and slutty.' How to explain to her Sir?<br />
She wouldn't even try the biscuit i proffered to her. I told her that one taste of it would prove to her that i am not merely being rash but that my actions are totally justified.<br />
How can one find true peace in a world of imperfections? I kept asking myself this question whilst smoking a pipe and staring at the crumbs of shortbread.<br />
Later that day i went into church. spat on a bible and renounced God. My wife left me and took the bongo drums. I am alone in this world.<br />
I am not a complainer by nature Sir, please do not misunderstand me. I merely ask for a replacement buiscuit, a formal letter of apology and most of all an answer... why? Why was this biscuit so below the standard normally set? Why do bad things happen to good people?<br />
I am posting this letter on the 14-3-09 and i will be squatting under the postbox awaiting your reply.<br />
<br />
Please good Sir, don't fail me.<br />
<br />
Your sincerely,<br />
<br />
Dr Scotty Madoc<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
To Dr Scotty Madoc,<br />
<br />
I have recently read your latter dated the 14th of March and i am most upset to hear of your experiences. At St Angus Shortbread LTD we try our best to insure that our customers enjoy our product and indeed we try our best to ensure that our buiscuits always come up to scratch.<br />
I am sorry that in your instance this was not the case. I enclose a voucher for a free tin of Highland Shortbread with your next purchase.<br />
<br />
Please accept my sincerest apology.<br />
<br />
Yours humbly,<br />
<br />
Marcus Newton.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHvJhyphenhyphenpQsowUEZQBpw6CIb8TaAHU6rOXT0kaG0IQgBubhnIaCyyD7OI_06ebPJuyPfhaNVJcF8Vq-XkCv_hgdOi41-seFq_Y9Jk2uJhYPNrkWx3eXu9H17AW8ie_eHownVUuo8UE_sc_Y/s1600/baker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHvJhyphenhyphenpQsowUEZQBpw6CIb8TaAHU6rOXT0kaG0IQgBubhnIaCyyD7OI_06ebPJuyPfhaNVJcF8Vq-XkCv_hgdOi41-seFq_Y9Jk2uJhYPNrkWx3eXu9H17AW8ie_eHownVUuo8UE_sc_Y/s1600/baker.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Mr Newton, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! I'm sorry, this simply will not do! How dare you, how-dare-you! try to fob me off with some poxy voucher!<br />
I have dedicated several pounds off my paycheck each month to saving endangered tigers in africa for the last five years...andd for what? To be told by some jumped up little semi-transvestite that he's 'upset to hear of your experiences.' ???? This is war Sir! I have personnaly torn your letter to shreds and inserted it<br />
up a slugs anus.<br />
You think that just because you bake highland shortbread that your better then me hummm? You think that you can simply ride ruffshod over the common hard working abbatoir inspector? Well i will track you down Sir, i will torture you psychologically until you lose the control of your bladder and believe<br />
yourself to be a gnome in some far away land.<br />
You mark my words, this is not over!<br />
<br />
I have decided to channel my anger over this issue into a poem, i hope it suitably shames you:<br />
<br />
I took a bite and then i paused to find<br />
a texture that would drive me out my mind.<br />
this foul and rancidd buiscuit, o it seems<br />
to taunt my gut and terrorise my dreams!<br />
<br />
Sweet feling, i have lost the will to smile<br />
and all my dreams lay shattered in a pile<br />
of sweage that is seeping through the cracks<br />
of my hear. I start on the attack.<br />
<br />
How long shall cretins rampage through our lives?<br />
Until a strong and noble man aspires<br />
to bring the virtue back into this world,<br />
to flush out all corruption is my goal.<br />
<br />
so hear me now thou brooding nest of turds<br />
i shall revenge myself, let it be heard<br />
from every rooftop, i demand respect<br />
and maybe now and then a simple buiscuit.<br />
<br />
the bell has tolled for thee, lay down thy arms<br />
i come with justice, you cannot cause me harm!<br />
i'll bring the wrath of millions to your door,<br />
O highland shortbread, tho art an evil whore!<br />
<br />
Please excuse some of the shoddy pentameters and near rhymes. I was whipping myself with a belt as i wrote it and that might have offset my rhythems.<br />
<br />
Yours forewarnedly,<br />
<br />
Dr Scotty Madoc.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
To Dr Scotty Madoc,<br />
<br />
I was suprised and alarmed by your latest letter as i had hoped that this issue had been sorted out to both our satisfactions. I see that it has not.<br />
I was trying to put your mind at ease but i suppose you finally rumbled me. Do you remember twenty five years ago, at Bishopston School during assembly one grey novemeber morning? You gave a wedgy to a small child sitting in front of you? A child who becasue of his superlative knowledge of chess and the fact that he<br />
ate hummouse for lunch was penalised by the school system and becasue the subject of bully's taunts for the entirre five years of school? That child was me Dr Madoc!<br />
That child was me! I tracked you down seven years ago. I was plotting my revenge. I knew i had to be slow and crafty in order to gain the extreme revenge i sought.<br />
I analysed your personality, i observed your every movemetn. I noted your love of highland shortbread and the insistence you placed upon quality buiscuits.<br />
I started up my own highland buiscuit company and soon became the leading buiscuit maker in my field. I made sure you saw our advertisement and purchased our product and then... after years of waiting and plotting i struck the deadly blow. I baked a shortbread that fell significantely under our standards and personally wrapped it in a package and placed it in your local supermarket.<br />
There i waited behind the shelves making sure only you selected that packet and then i followed you<br />
home and watched as you bit into the 'poison apple of perpetual torture.'<br />
How does it feel Dr Madoc to be the subject of a cruel and torturous prank?!<br />
How does it feeeeel?!!! Finally i am free! Finally my poor soul can have some rest! Ah, ha ,ha ,ha, ha!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Yours sincerely,<br />
<br />
Marcus Newton<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtQ2EuivQOVVcMinSH6HUFiXpH7B3_6voklSUd3k3pBZ0n1RTMC_vUg4UTJ6ITzhE7D3mjbN0QHjywQEicb7lGfA__ZigJGq-uB95aYhIqhsvfzUBUGmwkg1K_UgvghGN-Oss79stk37I/s1600/ginger_geek_48x48_bigger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtQ2EuivQOVVcMinSH6HUFiXpH7B3_6voklSUd3k3pBZ0n1RTMC_vUg4UTJ6ITzhE7D3mjbN0QHjywQEicb7lGfA__ZigJGq-uB95aYhIqhsvfzUBUGmwkg1K_UgvghGN-Oss79stk37I/s1600/ginger_geek_48x48_bigger.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Mr Newton,<br />
<br />
Gosh, how are you doing old boy? Long time no see. Do you remember the day i emtied my bladder over your head? Ha, ha! What merry larks we had in those days!<br />
Do you still have that birthmark on your left buttock shaped like a vomiting leper?<br />
<br />
Give my love to the family,<br />
<br />
Dr Scotty Madoc<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ZTD84DpNJMvqHJCNTM5XI3TPjQrXT550mNFF-ntFTfbKYI1NHJIOJTRtKb_GsnrygK69nIyYeq3FQD9k5G_HoC8Yqmyh1c3JevXJTEFhgqlLrvAotJ9U7SjaspcSehIa6-sfahs9Vl4/s1600/shortbread2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ZTD84DpNJMvqHJCNTM5XI3TPjQrXT550mNFF-ntFTfbKYI1NHJIOJTRtKb_GsnrygK69nIyYeq3FQD9k5G_HoC8Yqmyh1c3JevXJTEFhgqlLrvAotJ9U7SjaspcSehIa6-sfahs9Vl4/s320/shortbread2.jpg" width="253" /></a></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-65882010145288807112010-10-19T08:42:00.000-07:002010-10-19T08:42:25.691-07:00My Fashion Quest: By Lucy RoperI have always been something of a fashion klutz. Ever since i went to my prom night dressed as a peach becasue all my other fruit based costumes were in the wash i seem to have been cursed to be frowned on by the well dressed.<br />
<br />
So i decided to recruit some help in my quest for a fashion upgrade and who better to ask then Ms Maple De Roger the editor of several high profile fashion magazines and world renowned trend setter?<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5vr9NNYeV6Jv4QcT1x45CSWgTp1dG9YMEwvSNZ04zcxBMNXZcyLDd-J-i23CG5tBqqvlTNY217oWjp4Vp-UXLLxXM4SZuJvs4CV7VzecRfganiBK0uaMZVQ-pFdDa6-zA32vCyYuG42c/s1600/cigar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5vr9NNYeV6Jv4QcT1x45CSWgTp1dG9YMEwvSNZ04zcxBMNXZcyLDd-J-i23CG5tBqqvlTNY217oWjp4Vp-UXLLxXM4SZuJvs4CV7VzecRfganiBK0uaMZVQ-pFdDa6-zA32vCyYuG42c/s1600/cigar.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Ms Maple De Roger being amused by the plight of the poor. </div><br />
When i walked into her office she looked me up and down, took a long drag on her marlboro light and said:<br />
<br />
<i>"Daaaarling... you are sick. I can hear your soul screaming out to me for help. Look at your shoes, they are l</i><i>ike acid to my eyes... your dress... i have seen dresses like this in my nightmares... you are a disease to me..."</i><br />
<br />
I smiled and thanked her for her wise words, she stubbed out her ciggarette on the back of a passing fly and led me through to the clothing vault where she kept her most priceless apparel.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6ZHMuANOc60LI27AEqLrEvcIaGTftZJcYQAE4AzUUWKJOpUF12aauFppcasFqhbRXygfXxqb2K8Td2yZnTP4YouY7hn4GPPAIS35CtL-FgsqEr6_UvzuGcBPp2lttGKt4YrwiDIXQRQU/s1600/dress.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6ZHMuANOc60LI27AEqLrEvcIaGTftZJcYQAE4AzUUWKJOpUF12aauFppcasFqhbRXygfXxqb2K8Td2yZnTP4YouY7hn4GPPAIS35CtL-FgsqEr6_UvzuGcBPp2lttGKt4YrwiDIXQRQU/s1600/dress.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">DRESS No1- The Domestic Breast or House Tit. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>"This dress is one of my most faboulouse creations... notice how the roundness of the padding mimics the sensuous </i><i>curve of a female breast... the gloves give off a distinct hint of domesticity which then becomes juxtaposed with the </i><i>floral textures of the fruit beret... you look good enougth to chew..."</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I waddled over to the mirror and tears ran down my face. "I never knew i was so beautiful until this moment" I cried. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Mrs De Roger was not satisfied yet though. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>"No...No... it is missing something... that spark... that va-va-voom-voom... wait, wait... i think i have the perfect dress!"</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggh6fSGNziAgoccQoJSk0wFp4_TjqffWCtPmLtq7xlB8BMBJ9Dc7gjCR76xelZkfUY_g-F-eW8ITwTUmY9UORIuzcyli9MnkSEfCwN5U8WZKM-eQuE_GHrtZcqhsrBhqxIei_iRLRRbbc/s1600/dress2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggh6fSGNziAgoccQoJSk0wFp4_TjqffWCtPmLtq7xlB8BMBJ9Dc7gjCR76xelZkfUY_g-F-eW8ITwTUmY9UORIuzcyli9MnkSEfCwN5U8WZKM-eQuE_GHrtZcqhsrBhqxIei_iRLRRbbc/s320/dress2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>DRESS No2- </i>The Silken womb of death. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i></i></div><i><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">" This dress gives off the appearance of grandure... it is like a house made of silk that you can wear... the giant hat <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i></i></span></div><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">symbolizes the ever-present fear of being crushed by a giant hat. </div></i><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i></i></span></div><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i></i></span></div><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">As you can see the poles that keep it in place </div></i></i><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">are rickety and the men holding the poles are weak and sickly through lack of proper nutrition- it is in a permanent state of </div></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">collapse... as such it is an apt metaphor for life!</div></i></span></i><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i></i></span></div><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;"> The dress itself is like a tent which could easily house a small family- </div></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">as such it respresents the yearing of the male to crawl back into the safety of the womb... anyone who wears this dress</div></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">is sending a strong signal to obesrvers... this dress screams... I am a woman, come live inside me, i shall give you warmth <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i></i></span></div><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">until the day you die from being crushed by my head-gear!"</div></i><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">I looked into the mirror and saw myself as if for the first time. I felt strong, uplifted, empowered as a woman. The moment was beautiful </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i></i></span></div><i><div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">and not even spoiled when one of the men with the poles collapsed and an ambulance and fire-truck had to be called to rescue me.</span></div></i><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Whilst this commotion was going on Ms De Roger was alredy picking me out another brilliant creation. </span></div><div><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOgd6u3fXSq1EtjHRNLx-F0xm4AASSlBB7iRisFG6qNHbTczpFAEiQxl3-ZhMXLE4TQvtm9nok_ZOMvYdAsjyYqHbU5fo57IkO7jkNRag8cStO5kWm0NBu6qqmgSfIlgneNwcNGWi1oKE/s1600/horse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOgd6u3fXSq1EtjHRNLx-F0xm4AASSlBB7iRisFG6qNHbTczpFAEiQxl3-ZhMXLE4TQvtm9nok_ZOMvYdAsjyYqHbU5fo57IkO7jkNRag8cStO5kWm0NBu6qqmgSfIlgneNwcNGWi1oKE/s1600/horse.jpg" /></a></div><div><br />
</div></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">DRESS No3- The Primal Spotted Steed rearing to go. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>"This dress is my most sensouse and erotic creation... it symbolises the female yearing for the male penis... a mighty stallion that can sweep us off </i><i>our feet... my late lover the Earl Of Swansea used to become aroused at the mere sight of me in this dress... i would wear it when he came home from</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>a long day of wearing medals and i would pounce on him in the boudouir and make mad passionate love to his mouth. I have many fond memeories of wearing this dress</i><i>... as you can see it shows off your hind quarters to maximum effect."</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I only heard some of Ms De Rogers above speech as i was rapidly loosing consiousness in the back of the dress due to her annoying habit of breaking wind every time she said the word 'the.'</div><div style="text-align: left;">I looked in the mirror but could only see Ms De Rogers arse. However the dress did give me the delicious feeling of primal sensuality and is one i wish i had worn to my prom all those years ago. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>"Now... there is one final creation i think you should try on before you leave my dear... just slip off the dress and i'll go fetch it for you..." </i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd9ubkksizkTxfVB4O-tPHNDKTkavXI0GFggT7E4KkLjCQTTFI6NQxsG-KbLJF78xl1U4NtaNZRJz1c7kqEE9XVC8RmGg4hJaXrDD7jE8hRgPvkPl9KvAX6R3GB9ZsqwPW1zdVM2KXYNM/s1600/potplant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd9ubkksizkTxfVB4O-tPHNDKTkavXI0GFggT7E4KkLjCQTTFI6NQxsG-KbLJF78xl1U4NtaNZRJz1c7kqEE9XVC8RmGg4hJaXrDD7jE8hRgPvkPl9KvAX6R3GB9ZsqwPW1zdVM2KXYNM/s320/potplant.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i><br />
</i></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">DRESS No4- The unassuming bloom in the corner of the room. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>"Yes! Yes! Roast my scrumpy pumpkins and drizzle my pee-hole with honey! This is so you... it is the best in my latest range of camouflage clothing... designed for the lady who is too glamourous even for the eyes of strangers and who desires anonymity wherever she goes! You blend into the background so well my dear! I consider this my finest hour!"</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I looked into the mirror and started laughing, the laughter was of joy, of saddness, of lost opertunities and new possibilities. I laughted more and more, harder and harder until i had to be escorted out of the building by secruity guards and then sectioned under a mental health order.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> Now i am through my fashion ordeal i finally have found an inner peace, an acceptance of who i really am and how i should dress in the future to maximise my happiness and wellbeing. </div><div style="text-align: left;">I hope some of the tips in this article will inspire you to strive for greater fashion awerness and remember the great quote <i>'fashions fade but style is eternal ....and nudisms quite fun as well.' </i>- Margret Thatcher. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsHdEJfH3wcGEr-U_6kN6AvPPgWEhKuOVKKYKrj7hKQTvXj6mtaOOf8Xe1CkIyKBc0o3NB8JFdrMIE4RIDIGu4ESZxtaS8BnX9plsF1KNE-5qa4xfp-RtUH5XfbS9PH3fdmtpHL-JAYMg/s1600/lucy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsHdEJfH3wcGEr-U_6kN6AvPPgWEhKuOVKKYKrj7hKQTvXj6mtaOOf8Xe1CkIyKBc0o3NB8JFdrMIE4RIDIGu4ESZxtaS8BnX9plsF1KNE-5qa4xfp-RtUH5XfbS9PH3fdmtpHL-JAYMg/s1600/lucy.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Lucy Roper being released early from Maudsley Mental Health Ward modeling </div><div style="text-align: center;">a dress of her own design made from porcelain and her own saliva. </div><div><br />
</div><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><i><br />
</i></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-66665665532517367012010-10-17T09:05:00.000-07:002010-10-17T17:01:56.251-07:00Ace Your Job Interview!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKj21XNpnFSJPWqDCo-80sHDhCGTqcF7dPyR28OhLYr4Fi2BeIJo855BpRyfWdFMmgDwWTV8Gqc6xzU_5mO6wv3MAd-uDG6H9JXJyWFubfFhIPe6QUdMr4IjiC_kbWAfkG98HRkJxgLgA/s1600/cash-in-hand.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5529050026230245826" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKj21XNpnFSJPWqDCo-80sHDhCGTqcF7dPyR28OhLYr4Fi2BeIJo855BpRyfWdFMmgDwWTV8Gqc6xzU_5mO6wv3MAd-uDG6H9JXJyWFubfFhIPe6QUdMr4IjiC_kbWAfkG98HRkJxgLgA/s320/cash-in-hand.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 270px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 258px;" /></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">During these cash-strapped, under-nourished times when most people smell like tears and Special Brew it can be useful to find gainful employment and start earning money. Like most worthwhile things in life, getting a job requires hard work, dedication and begging on your knees like a dog.<br />
<br />
Here are some useful tips for today's hardy job seeker-<br />
<br />
Buy a suit and wear it on the day of your job interview. The more eye catching your suit the more chance you have of standing out from the crowd. Try dazzling lilac and sky blue tones topped off with a sprinkle of glitter. Alternatively you could catch their eyes by simply catching their eyes with your bare hands and physically turning their eyeballs until they are looking at your face. Remember to smile.<br />
<br />
The more research you do before your job interview the better equipped you will be to answer questions. Find out the name of your future boss and if possible where they live and their hobbies Try hiding in the bushes outside their home for a week and find out detailed information you can later reveal. Remember to pack a camcorder and notebook.<br />
<br />
You must show you are the best person for the job. For example- if the job requires someone who is good at typing make sure you are an asset to the company by simply breaking the other employees fingers until you are the only option. Similarly if the job requires good people skills or good hygiene just smear your co-workers with shite and tell your boss they touched you in your 'special area.' The job will be yours in the time it takes to file a police report.<br />
<br />
Everyone appreciates good manners. The best way to ace a job interview is to remember the basics of 'please' and 'thank you.' Such as 'please give me this job…thank you for seeing me…' The louder and more often these phrases are repeated the better your chances of success so remember to shout and repeat until the job is yours.<br />
<br />
Lastly you must remember to relax. After all- its only a job! A stressed employee is no good to anyone. So try and stooping and shambling into the interviewers office in a relaxed, casual manner, perhaps on all fours, light up a joint, fart, speak in slang terms like 'yo big daddy' and ''s'all good ma hommie,' and perhaps try a bit of yoga during the interview to loosen your joints.<br />
<br />
If these tips are followed to the letter you will end up with a job, respect and most importantly money. I hope you will of course remember that it was my advice that got you this job and that you will reimburse me for my efforts generously. Just send a tenner, or even just a fiver, or only £1.69 for a can of special brew.<br />
<br />
Then read my handy tips on pretending to work whilst merely gossiping and drinking coffee and my handy tips on not getting fired after you've got caught with your knob on the photocopier.<br />
<br />
Good luck job seekers!</span> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"> </span></span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><i>(Originally published on-line at The Spoof.)</i></span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-8570026224986730112010-10-17T09:01:00.000-07:002010-10-17T11:24:04.267-07:00How to come out as gay on a shoestring budget<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeHTksaJwYkPDZ0xTS3Hj0AEaOAt5bZWZZwbk46t4sJSvE6WinUVBW2zew4EOXN3AVJiW8ZfRp4sH08SL9aRI2oxWqLQAd0YzJc9CmvB5daoCzPouEtWVOxpFdnfF7Cq6eAVperoQJG7U/s1600/RoosterSF1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeHTksaJwYkPDZ0xTS3Hj0AEaOAt5bZWZZwbk46t4sJSvE6WinUVBW2zew4EOXN3AVJiW8ZfRp4sH08SL9aRI2oxWqLQAd0YzJc9CmvB5daoCzPouEtWVOxpFdnfF7Cq6eAVperoQJG7U/s320/RoosterSF1.jpg" width="304" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">As every man-loving chap-about-town knows, it can be difficult coming out of the closet. Particularly when the closet is full of naked men. But never fear, as this week i will take all the strain out of yelling from the rooftops 'I'm gay!!!' with my handy hints for closeted queens.<br />
<br />
Number 1- The cloths a man wears tell a lot bout his interests and character. So instead of actually saying 'I'm gay' let your wardrobe do the talking. Purchase a T-shirt with the word 'gay' written across the chest. To avoid confusion also include the words 'gay as in likes cock, not happy- and this word refers to me- the official wearer of this t-shirt.' Place this in small print at the bottom of your T-shirt-shirt. This will also get a lot of needed attention down to your crotch area.<br />
</span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">Number 2- Try flirting with persons of the same sex in front of family members. Try to avoid inadvertently flirting with family members by remembering who they are and avoiding their eye contact. Simply find some random same sex person, invite them round for Sunday lunch and obsessively rub their leg and laugh at everything they say in a very affected manner, avoiding all contact with family members until there is no doubt that you are in a minority.<br />
<br />
Number 3- It is a fact well known to all evening television viewers that gay people like to be seen as 'camp.' So try to incorporate elements of campness into your personality. Try lifting the pitch of your voice a few octaves, make all your gestures fluid and graceful like a drifting butterfly and say the word 'hot' and 'babe' and 'oh my gawd' as many times as sanity will allow.<br />
<br />
Number 4- Try telling your friends and family through the language of interpretive dance. Get their attention with a sudden outburst of 'oh my gawd, this is soooo hot, look here babe!' Before gesticulating wildly with your pelvis and flailing your limbs in vibrantly different directions before dramatically screaming and dropping to the floor into a puddle of tears. This display will tell your selected friends and family all they need to know about your difficult situation.<br />
<br />
Number 5- Everyone knows that hard times are made easier by the presence of other people. United we stand, divided we fall. So invite several handfuls of diverse people round to<br />
your parents house and all chant in unison "Gay! Gay! Gay! We are Gay!" This will take most of the fear out of the situation, at least for you.<br />
<br />
Number 6- Try using the power of subtlety by simply leaving certain homo-associated items around your home for friends to casually peruse. Such as a copy of 'The City and the pillar' by Gore Vidal or the black and white movie 'Death in Venice.' Or if your friends are thick as pig shit, a large butt plug and tub of industrial lubricant. If your friends don't notice the subtly, try coughing and pointing or wave it in their face whilst singing Queen's anthem 'I want to break free.'<br />
<br />
Number 7- If all else fails simply write them a letter. Letters have the strength to allow us to unleash our deepest feelings without personal contact. Put some creativity into the letter by writing it in your own blood onto lavender scented paper. The simple words 'I've got something to tell you that i think you should know. I'm on the other side. I load in the backdoor. I know you will understand.' should suffice. Pin it to their front door under cover of darkness. This will allow the other person to come to terms with the information in their own time. If your friend suddenly packs up and flees to Russia never to be seen again they probably aren't a good friend and should be crossed off the Christmas card list.<br />
<br />
Number 8- Try getting other people to do the work for you by spreading a rumor around your town or workplace. Graffiti the words 'Simon is a gay boy!' onto the walls and wait for the word to spread. This tactic works best if your name is Simon. Or try getting drunk and accidentally blurting it out to a random stranger before swearing them to secrecy. Such is human nature that the word will spread by lunchtime. Provided you're drunk at breakfast.<br />
<br />
Number 9- Try and get your friends to ask you directly by subtly turning the conversation round to sexuality. Such as if a friend says 'have you read any good books lately?' You should reply 'books are gay.' Then wait for their reply. Or if they ask 'have you seen the latest Star Wars movie?' You should say 'Star Wars is gay.' This may work, unless your friend is an avid fan, in which case you should say this from a safe distance away. Remember that this tactic can be used anywhere at anytime as everything is potentially gay.<br />
<br />
Number 10- The final tactic for coming out the closet is to get married and start a loving family. During this process, which could take a decade to see through, you should try and become a pillar of your local community. Perhaps run for local elections, join your neighborhood watch, start a book club and cultivate an image of steadfast moral decency. When everyone is sick of your sanctimonious, self-righteous, dogmatic twattery, post a photo of yourself giving oral relief to an underage gypsy lad on the Internet, print out copies and stick them up around town.<br />
When the story becomes front page of the local papers you can burst into tears and yell at the press 'I've been living a lie! I feel so free! I can finally be myself and say to the world, i am a gay man!'<br />
<br />
This tip does require some dedication on the part of the person doing it and you should definitely make sure you aren't just bi-curious before attempting it.<br />
<br />
Well that's it for this week. I hope i have given you some food for thought. I like to think of these tips as being like an erect penis... they often come in handy.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><i>(Originally published on-line at The Spoof.) </i></span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-857340360439828702010-10-17T08:57:00.000-07:002010-10-17T11:25:32.376-07:00Get A Bigger Penis or Die Trying<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmdAKLMrS-qK3a-AyiqKiMaM-EqU3IwTHtpfNht12-8S7BtzZcNfK6H57pp4zJYIK19MGOtp1T3ub2nSnmp8LvyAWGNjMu3uDx9veOTWfO3q3INk9MA3aKl32bOAbi7E6NgGHBB2EqQUQ/s1600/myths-phallus-symbols.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmdAKLMrS-qK3a-AyiqKiMaM-EqU3IwTHtpfNht12-8S7BtzZcNfK6H57pp4zJYIK19MGOtp1T3ub2nSnmp8LvyAWGNjMu3uDx9veOTWfO3q3INk9MA3aKl32bOAbi7E6NgGHBB2EqQUQ/s320/myths-phallus-symbols.jpg" width="238" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">It is hardly a secret that most men in Britain today wish they had a willy the size of a blue whale. But sadly, only several men are blessed in this way.<br />
<br />
There are many benefits to having a large penis such as more sex, being served quicker in shops, having a bigger penis, more sex, making people in swimming pools gasp, having a bigger penis, being able to whip it out anywhere without shame, being able to administer self satisfaction, not having to reach for the remote control, having a bigger penis, starring in porn films, being able to make a shadow puppet of an anaconda, more sex, never need a bottle opener, fainting every time you get an erection, </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">having a bigger penis etc.</span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">It is true that most conventional cures don't work such as the often Spam advertised pills, potions, mechanical stretchers and self-esteem therapy. These things merely prey on the male sense of inadequacy which is why they sell millions every year.<br />
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So physical growth is impossible; however there are many ways to get the same high and to fake as if you have a large one, as revealed below:<br />
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Get your girlfriend or partner to scream every time you take your pants off, possibly clutching at their hearts and going white as a sheet.<br />
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Give yourself a nickname such as 'Big Dave' or 'Pork Sword Steve' or 'Big Dick' and make sure everyone calls you this. Change your name with the government so your new name appears on your bills.<br />
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Stuff a coke bottle down your trousers like they used to do on Top of the Pops. Make sure you walk with a swagger, thumbs in belt and nod, wink and thrust your hips at everyone you meet.<br />
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Start every conversation with the phrase 'I've got a big cock.' This should be said as matter of fact as possible but with a slight smirk like a complete idiot would do.<br />
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Make two papier mache moulds of your penis, glue them together and paint them pink. Wear this whenever you get changed in the gym or swimming baths.<br />
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When standing at a urinal make sure you stand further back then anyone else and feel comfortable to start a conversation with the average males next to you. As above: start conversation with "My name is Big Dave. I've got a large cock." Then nod and wink.<br />
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As a last desperate measure you could go to a plastic surgeon and get him to take fat off your stomach or thighs and inject it into your penis. Although this may just make your penis lumpy and lop sided.<br />
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If all else fails become a Buddhist and hope that when resurrected you come back either as a well endowed man or a blue whale.<br />
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I hope these tips will prove useful to you and remember if anything goes wrong, such as decapitation or exploding testicles, I cannot be blamed.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><i>(Originally published on-line at The Spoof.) </i></span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-23830205613788184422010-10-17T08:55:00.000-07:002010-10-17T08:57:27.284-07:00Top 10 Feng Shui Decorating Tips<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2d6TIgCf8_kR9V_6Skh9HNCtYSMHNkQya5vthizzHBxUtRZZ2JNQKq5VymJLKEZpRux72ZV0W8OjDpFo-BmWjoaz2yQK1UyDzkRrzDLbTIxc4u7XFEbsewou6df0w8FH6cfwIeJj9h-o/s1600/toilet.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 310px; height: 310px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2d6TIgCf8_kR9V_6Skh9HNCtYSMHNkQya5vthizzHBxUtRZZ2JNQKq5VymJLKEZpRux72ZV0W8OjDpFo-BmWjoaz2yQK1UyDzkRrzDLbTIxc4u7XFEbsewou6df0w8FH6cfwIeJj9h-o/s320/toilet.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5529044660459499682" /></a><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; ">For those with an avid belief in Feng Shui decorating your house can be difficult as most people who believe in Feng Shui live in government sponsored 'rest-homes.' But fear not! As this week we give you our ten top tips for good Chi living!<br /><br />Tip number one is simple- make sure your house has a chair. Several if you actually have friends or relatives. Make sure this is positioned in a place where people won't trip over it. This is important for circling Chi around the buttocks, thighs and lower back. In China they sit on chairs and it's said by some that they live forever!</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; ">Tip number two- make sure your house has a toilet. This can be placed wherever the Feng Shui approved plumber says is best. If you're lucky you may already find one in the smaller room of your house. This is good for Chi in the lower intestine and colon. In China they squat over a hole in the dirt, but that's for enlightened people only. Best start slow!<br /><br />Tip number three- a bed is good for sleeping in. Chi is strongest in the midnight hours so a bed is essential! A bed can also be used for reading, masturbating and arguing with your spouse in. In China they call beds 'coi carp' and the Chinese invented Chinese food… so there!<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; ">Tip number four- If you posses coffee coasters or a vase you will need to purchase a table. This allows Chi to cuddle your spleen. The Chinese invented Feng Shui after Emperor Tang-Woo hit his shin on a dishwasher.<br /><br />Tip number five- cleanliness is next to Chi-ness so get a bath super quick. When touching your naked body with warm soapy water just think of Chi and Chi will think of you. The Chinese bathe together in giant communal city baths shaped like lobsters.<br /><br />Tip number six- A doormat is not essential but it is essential that it is placed outside your door. There are 626 doormat related Feng Shui disasters every month when people inadvertently place doormats over their respiratory passages. In China drinking tea through a straw is punishable by death.<br /><br />Tip number seven- stairs are for walking up, not down. If you need to go downstairs for any reason, phone your friendly local fire brigade. In China stairs are used only by homosexuals.<br /><br />Tip number eight- you will need to purchase a map of china and hang it above your bed. For really healthy Chi levels it is best to buy several and place them in prominent positions around your house. Every time you pass one of these flags you must say 'Hail china!' Those who do this are blessed by the Chinese dragon God. In China cheese is mostly purple.<br /><br />Tip number nine- if you are serious about this whole Feng Shui business you must get a passport and come to China. It is the only way brothers and sisters! In China the people are made out of animation.<br /><br />Tip number ten- Come to China! Join us! We will make you strong! Join our swelling ranks! Unity! Peace! China forever! And remember to purchase a sink for those dirty dishes. In China they all talk like that Chinese bloke off the telly.<br /><br />Hopefully you now have a lot to think about and keep you busy over the coming months. If you have benefited from this article then come to China and join us, join us, join us, join us…</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px; ">(<i>Article originally published on-line at The Spoof) </i></span></div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-20117072761446102712010-10-13T05:14:00.000-07:002010-10-17T05:34:11.358-07:00Masterchef Critique Vol No1<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoG2FWG7-ISnej5dA5H-EJxMNZCbEfDpjz6XHdeMffiqAkoLqN1T213OiihJcOTAwyRWV9-gS_GOZZYD_G_r34ea38ybftefVEdoVzMwOC0eIw93__XQwjQ7RwCsBv1YMp3rGTD_Bq8ng/s1600/chef_main.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 238px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoG2FWG7-ISnej5dA5H-EJxMNZCbEfDpjz6XHdeMffiqAkoLqN1T213OiihJcOTAwyRWV9-gS_GOZZYD_G_r34ea38ybftefVEdoVzMwOC0eIw93__XQwjQ7RwCsBv1YMp3rGTD_Bq8ng/s320/chef_main.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5528992028687905522" /></a><br /><div>Masterchef has always been a mystery to me. I watch it comulsivley with a visual gluttony that must have added ten pounds of beef to my brainbox and yet i am never sure why it has this effect on me.</div><div> I am a lover of food it is true and like most of the target audience i have a frying pan that has seen little more then some burgers and bacon yet it hangs on the wall dreaming of sizzling horse buttock and lamb wrist. </div><div>So i suppose i watch the show whilst eating my heart kicking fry ups as a way to trick myself and imagine that my burnt baked beans are some three star dollop of greatness.</div><div><br /></div><div>A food show should ideally make tthe food the star as masterchef tries to do by having close up shots of shiny pyramids of meat and veg whilst light techno music drones away in the background. There's truely nothing as great to a food-a-holic as a bowl of pasta being nudged by a camera lense as 'can you feel it?' by the jackson five plays over the top. </div><div>In masterchef though the undoubted stars of the show are the reactions of the judges. Their facial muscles can contort into a symphony of orgasmic delight or tortured fever depending on how many minuites the young man with the droopy eyelids left the fish under the grill for.</div><div><br /></div><div>Whilst some food shows are content with food porn masterchef takes the fetishisation of food into the realm of erotic art. The punters who turn up to showcase their skills are yet another mystery to me. How can someone possibly love food as much as they seem to? Beyond it seems even their own wellbeing or mental health?</div><div>I have heard of food as being fuel, comfort, gastro masterbation, aphrodisiac and, after a night on the town, a miracle medicenol cure but what is this? Food as the sole pinacle of human achievment? Can this sweaty body of flesh, bone and blood aspire towards nothing greater then raising the humble teacake towards gastronomic perfection? Not according to some of the chefs.</div><div><br /></div><div>It is nice to see so many real people on television. Real in the sense of there's nothing else </div><div>they could be on, the fact that the camera spends most of the time on their hands and the entrails, diced fish heads and bloody knives that they hold tells us that these grusome objects have more asthetic value then the faces of the people holding them. </div><div>I watched as one young man told Michel Rue of his dream of opening his own resterant and i thought 'well you'd better learn how to shut your mouth when you breath before you dream of opening anything else.'</div><div><br /></div><div>Harsh as i can be when engrossed in watching television i do empathise with the plight of these poor souls when their deluded dreams are cracked like a rotten egg on the hard edge of reality. They put so much heart and soul into the not so simple act of cooking only to be told 'your pasta is too thick' which they take as a personal insult much as if the chef had said 'your eyes are too close together and your dry complxion made me want to heave up my breakfast and heart</div><div>medication even though i might suffer a cardiac arrest without them, i would welcolm death over the thought of having to eat one more spoonful of your so called spaghetti. Child, tho hast sinned!'</div><div><br /></div><div>All in all there is enougth tension, drama, passion and sizzle to make this show the perfect appertiser to your own evening meal. Just remember that without food you will die but don't take eating all that seriously. Eating is just the nessecery yet gruelling foundation to the later rather more satisfying poo.</div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8529471663075453492.post-19166280032586484392009-12-04T08:46:00.000-08:002012-06-24T06:46:50.465-07:00Christmas Doggerel and other old tat<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>Random old poems found on laptop. Probably written about six/seven years back. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Christmas Doggerel </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So Christmas is here</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And what shall we do?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Surrender to cheer,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now finally this rotten year is through.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Could I unearth a hollow</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To lay my weary skull?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
As waves of forgiveness</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Come lashing at my door. Essential snug-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
-To light the heart.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
With season’s greetings,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Snowflakes sizzle. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Face of child, bedecked in sweetness and sweets.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A season for luxury</div>
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And shopping and biting</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And fighting and farting</div>
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And I give thanks to god its not <i>my </i>birthday.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><b>It’s a Bit Like…</b></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">A rummy-jam-moon speeding up by an oil-stroked sea.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">The ruby rash on my arm being humped by an amorous flea.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">A cocked paw mutt shaking hands when he just wants to pee.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">A one man jazz band for a blind man who hates your tie.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Your butter bathed in by a rabble of muscular flies.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">The doctor selling you smiles when you’re trying to die.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">The feeling you get when you run out of tightrope.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"> The inebriated psychic reciting your horoscope.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s a bit like-</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">The dealer who sells you oregano for dope.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"> That’s my belief, don’t think me mad, </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">I’ll try the other one instead.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<i><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">IS SEX ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?</span></b></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">“Oh yes, oh yes, oh definitely yes!” </span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">My dirty talk does not impress.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">(Is sex all it is quite cracked up to be?)</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Did you enjoy my banter, precious?</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It’s not as long as I had expected.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">(Is sex all it is quite cracked up to be?)</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Nor quite so big as other men’s</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">According to your magazines.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">(Is sex all it is quite cracked up to be?)</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">You find a space then miss your place</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">In drunken misalignment-</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">I’m so distressed its like a test</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">In sober driving judgment.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">You give a stare</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">I know so well</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">I’ve seen it before</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">When you broke a nail</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">(Is sex all it is quite cracked up to be?)</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"> When you talk of phallic content </span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Am I attached to the instrument?</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">(Is sex all it is quite cracked up to be?) </span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">The sight of your arse</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Makes me grow hard</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">And the sex in your skin is scented.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">The sight of you nude </span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">gets me in the mood</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">On a porno movie I rented.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">I believe in intimacy</span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Just me in you and you in me-</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">But intimacy does not believe in me-</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">It seems.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">For you are just my fantasy</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">And I in fist do blast my pips</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">With you in head but not in bed </span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">For you are on page 3.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">(Is sex all it is quite cracked up to be?) </span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"> The answers no</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Its just a show</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">And tell, we play ‘till dawn</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">And then we find its all in mind</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">And all over the floor.</span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span></i></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>HEARKEN ‘ARKEN ‘ARKEN!</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“Hearken-’arken-’arken!” </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Said the vicar with a cough</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“I don’t believe in Jesus </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
‘till the mortgage gets paid off-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don’t find faith in starving’ </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I don’t find faith in germs.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This bloody cough</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Should bugger off</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And yet its getting worse!”</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“Hearken-’arken-’arken!” </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Replied the congregation present </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“we love to hear your stories</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But we may have missed the point!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Did Jesus have a twin</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Called Jesus-Jesus! too?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We come to praise</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In naïve faith</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Our moral ways are screwed!”</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“Hearken-’arken-’arken!” </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The vicar spat out his anger quick</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“the promised land is calling</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So give a guy a break! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I’ve smoked too hard for thirty years </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And Jesus’ blood I’ve drank</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A mans a right </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To live his life</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
With saviour in his tank!”</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“Hearken-’arken-’arken!” </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Shot back the congregation all</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“Go and have a lie down </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And stop talking such balls!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We’re sure you have the best in mind</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So squeaky chaste in taste</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But why do you</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Lampoon so crude</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Our escapist fantasy faith!”</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“Hearken-’arken-’arken!” </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The vicars bloodshot eyes did flare</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
“forgive is what the lord said</div>
<div>
<div>
But only after revenge!</div>
<div>
Go throw yourselves at Buddha’s feet</div>
<div>
In your middle-class hell</div>
<div>
I’ve had enough</div>
<div>
Of your blind love </div>
<div>
Go bless yourselves! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Amen.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<b>A WARNING ABOUT CATS</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My smiling cats agree that life is grand </div>
<div>
lying curled in huddles around the floor</div>
<div>
with licking dust from fur their only chore</div>
<div>
And driving me insane with their demands.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The strangled roar of purrs melting the air</div>
<div>
With mewling cries for dinner round the clock</div>
<div>
They know they can entice me from my work</div>
<div>
With subtlety and claws their only spur.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yes indeed! These shiny silken Pharaohs </div>
<div>
Are keeping warm the blood of royalty </div>
<div>
Not for greed we’re told, but loyalty!</div>
<div>
Yet who believes a furry Romeo?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A certain bet: the future is for cats</div>
<div>
A rosy yet a fishy paradise</div>
<div>
An Eden strewn with catnip and with mice </div>
<div>
Until the claw is dull and fur is fat.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So here I give a final word of warning</div>
<div>
To those who tend the friendship of a cat </div>
<div>
Tho’ they may well appear so very charming</div>
<div>
You serve in house a proud aristocrat.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And from his tail unfurls a mighty sting!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<div>
<b>Sonnet: The morning is a rather ugly bird</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The morning is a rather ugly bird</div>
<div>
Who lollops round the flower beds of man </div>
<div>
Who’d rather sleep, unseen and seldom heard</div>
<div>
Another forty winks- in mind, is planned.</div>
<div>
It’s true that this might be mistook as lazy</div>
<div>
By lesser men whom night time means a sleep</div>
<div>
And some might even call this virtue sleazy</div>
<div>
Whereas I would call their lack of insight cheap.</div>
<div>
For morning is a time for merry dreams </div>
<div>
And not for playing a fool to the wizened clock.</div>
<div>
For night, the time is ripe for playful schemes</div>
<div>
And not for fancy living by the book.</div>
<div>
So back to bed and dreams- I fondly start</div>
<div>
Let’s leave the morning glory to the lark.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>The-Despicable-Maestrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02767076959157109359noreply@blogger.com0