Friday, 22 October 2010

Near Death Experiences & Me

During the long and somewhat drowzy days of my life i have been lucky enougth to experience several moments of near-death. These experiences of near death are popularly called 'near death experiences.' I thought i would chronicle some of my favourite for you here.

The first experience came when i was a child and very fond of bumblebees. I would collect any that i found straying into the garden and imprison  them within a large glass jar that i would hang by a thin piece of string above my bed, directly over my face so i could observe the relaxing flight of these insipid creatures before i fell asleep.

Well as you can imagine, one day the inevitable happened when i woke up suddenly, sat bolt upright and got hit in the face with a baseball bat.

I remember being wheeled into the hospital and then...all was darkness and i could see this vivid white light
swirling in the distance and i remember thinking 'i've got to touch it, i've got to reach the light.' Next thing i remember i woke up in a corridoor of A&E clutching a half eaten bag of maltesers trying to copulate with a vending machine.

My next experience was a little more serene thank god. I was out flying a kite near the edge of a cliff in Hyde Park (i supply my own cliffs for just such occasions) when a sudden gust of wind sent me sailing into  the engine of a Boeing 747.

I remember, once again, the swirling tunnel of bright white light and this time there were voices, a choir of long lost freinds and family chanting in the  background 'No more Peas! No more Peas!' It still makes no more sense to me now but i shall ensure i am cremated with a good supply of vegetables.

My next NDE (as we commonly abbreviate the term Near Death Experience to save some of those precious little moments of irretrievable time) came when i was on honeymoon with my third wife Lionel.
She sat on the edge of the bed in order to apply some ointment in an erotic fashion to the tip of my phallic shaped big toe and sent me flying through the ceiling.
When i crash landed she started crying and apologizing, saying that she needed to lose a bit of weight
to stop such things from happening again. I told her that might well be a good idea as she was unnaturally large. She knocked me out with a single blow. I didn't mean to be rude, its just i don't think women should take so many steroids.

My last such Near Death Experience... whoops, sorry... NHE came about last Tuesday. I was out in the garden planting Charlie, Davy and Lilleth (I  like to give my marrows names to encourage them to be achievers) when i suddenly felt a tight, fiery pain in my chest.
I finished planting the marrows and then looked down and noticed that i had been wearing my glasses on a chain around my neck and the sunshine had been magnified into a laser beam and burned a hole through my chest.
This wasn't as frightening an ecperience as it sounds because even the worst problem doesn't seem so bad when you are out in the garden with the birds singing.
I went inside the house and tried to phone an ambulance but couldn't lift the reciever. Then i remembered that it was one of those pesky out of body experiences one reads about in Penthouse.
 I decided to sit it out and wait for them to revive my body... i've been here for a week... can't be long now...

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Biscuit Complaint No 7 Vol 14

To the manager of the St Angus highland shortbread company,

Dear Sir, i have been a lifelong admirer of your prowess in the world of biscuit making and my pallet has been given many years of pleasure by the goods i have purchased and consumed from your company.
This makes it at least twice as difficult for me to inform you of what i now have to inform you.
The other day i sat down in my arcmchair with a cup of tea and decided to have a nibble off the end of one of your shortbread buiscuits.
I took one bite and i must inform you that the quality of this particular biscuit fell well below par. In all honesty it was abysmall. Fucking discgraceful.
I don't mean to disparage your company Sir, nor your own well established name. As mentioned above i truely love your highland shortbread, that is  indeed why i had purchased some.
Yet i must impress upon you most heavily the anguish that this incident has caused me.
I get three quarters of an hour each day of the week in which to find some solitary bliss within the stresses and strains of the week. I like to spend this time indulging in tea drinking, paper reading and most importantly buiscuit eating.
If this routine is sullied it can throw my fragile life directly off course.
I don't mean to put the responsibility of my wellbeing upon your shoulders Sir, no, no, dear me no!
Yet you can understand how a lack-lustre biscuit could excite one to anger so! Please tell me you understand! All i wanted was a peaceful biscuit that tasted as good as a highland shortbread should, is that too much to ask?!
The incident vexed me so much that i went and quit my job. My wife still refuses to understnad my motives, i have tried to tell her that i cannot work unless i am one hundered percent calm and happy in my daily life  but she says i am merely being 'impish and slutty.' How to explain to her Sir?
She wouldn't even try the biscuit i proffered to her. I told her that one taste of it would prove to her that i am not merely being rash but that my actions are totally justified.
How can one find true peace in a world of imperfections? I kept asking myself this question whilst smoking a pipe and staring at  the crumbs of shortbread.
 Later that day i went into church. spat on a bible and renounced God. My wife left me and took the bongo drums. I am alone in this world.
I am not a complainer by nature Sir, please do not misunderstand me. I merely ask for a replacement  buiscuit, a formal letter of apology and most of all an answer... why? Why was this biscuit so below the standard normally set? Why do bad things happen to good people?
I am posting this letter on the 14-3-09 and i will be squatting under the postbox awaiting your reply.

Please good Sir, don't fail me.

Your sincerely,

Dr Scotty Madoc

To Dr Scotty Madoc,

I have recently read your latter dated the 14th of March and i am most upset to hear of your experiences. At St Angus Shortbread LTD we try our best to insure that our customers enjoy our product and indeed we try our best to ensure that our buiscuits always come up to scratch.
I am sorry that in your instance this was not the case. I enclose a voucher for a free tin of Highland Shortbread with your next purchase.

Please accept my sincerest apology.

Yours humbly,

Marcus Newton.

Dear Mr Newton, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! I'm sorry, this simply will not do! How dare you, how-dare-you! try to fob me off with some poxy voucher!
I have dedicated several pounds off my paycheck each month to saving endangered tigers in africa for the last five years...andd for what? To be told by some jumped up little semi-transvestite that he's 'upset to hear of your experiences.' ???? This is war Sir! I have personnaly torn your letter to shreds and inserted it
up a slugs anus.
You think that just because you bake highland shortbread that your better then me hummm? You  think that you can simply ride ruffshod over the common hard working abbatoir inspector? Well i will track you down Sir, i will torture you psychologically until you  lose the control of your bladder and believe
yourself to be a gnome in some far away land.
You mark my words, this is not over!

I have decided to channel my anger over this issue into a poem, i hope it suitably shames you:

I took a bite and then i paused to find
a texture that would drive me out my mind.
this foul and rancidd buiscuit, o it seems
to taunt my gut and terrorise my dreams!

Sweet feling, i have lost the will to smile
and all my dreams lay shattered in a pile
of sweage that is seeping through the cracks
of my hear. I start on the attack.

How long shall cretins rampage through our lives?
Until a strong and noble man aspires
to bring the virtue back into this world,
to flush out all corruption is my goal.

so hear me now thou brooding nest of turds
i shall revenge myself, let it be heard
from every rooftop, i demand respect
and maybe now and then a simple buiscuit.

the bell has tolled for thee, lay down thy arms
i come with justice, you cannot cause me harm!
i'll bring the wrath of millions to your door,
O highland shortbread, tho art an evil whore!

Please excuse some of the shoddy pentameters and near rhymes. I was whipping myself with a belt as i wrote it and that might have offset my rhythems.

Yours forewarnedly,

Dr Scotty Madoc.

To Dr Scotty Madoc,

I was suprised and alarmed by your latest letter as i had hoped that this issue had been sorted out to both our satisfactions. I see that it has not.
I was trying to put your mind at ease but i suppose you finally rumbled me. Do you remember twenty five years ago, at Bishopston School during assembly one grey novemeber morning? You gave a wedgy to a small child sitting in front of you? A child who becasue of his superlative knowledge of chess and the fact that he
ate hummouse for lunch was penalised by the school system and becasue the subject of bully's taunts for the entirre five years of school? That child was me Dr Madoc!
That child was me! I tracked you down seven years ago. I was plotting my revenge. I knew i had to be slow and crafty in order to gain the extreme revenge i sought.
I analysed your personality, i observed your every movemetn. I noted your love of highland shortbread and the insistence you placed upon quality buiscuits.
I started up my own highland buiscuit company and soon became the leading buiscuit maker in my field. I made sure you saw our advertisement and purchased our product and then... after years of waiting and plotting i struck the deadly blow. I baked a shortbread that fell significantely under our standards and personally wrapped it in a package and placed it in your local supermarket.
There i waited behind the shelves making sure only you selected that packet and then i followed you
home and watched as you bit into the 'poison apple of perpetual torture.'
How does it feel Dr Madoc to be the subject of a cruel and torturous prank?!
How does it  feeeeel?!!! Finally i am free! Finally my poor soul can have some rest! Ah, ha ,ha ,ha, ha!!!!!!!!

Yours sincerely,

Marcus Newton

Dear Mr Newton,

Gosh, how are you doing old boy? Long time no see. Do you remember the day i emtied my bladder over your head? Ha, ha! What merry larks we had in those days!
Do you still have that birthmark on your left buttock shaped like a vomiting leper?

Give my love to the family,

Dr Scotty Madoc

My Fashion Quest: By Lucy Roper

I have always been something of a fashion klutz. Ever since i went to my prom night dressed as a peach becasue all my other fruit based costumes were in the wash i seem to have been cursed to be frowned on by the well dressed.

So i decided to recruit some help in my quest for a fashion upgrade and who better to ask then Ms Maple De Roger the editor of several high profile fashion magazines and world renowned trend setter?

Ms Maple De Roger being amused by the plight of the poor. 

When i walked into her office she looked me up and down, took a long drag on her marlboro light and said:

"Daaaarling... you are sick. I can hear your soul screaming out to me for help. Look at your shoes, they are like acid to my eyes... your dress... i have seen dresses like this in my nightmares... you are a disease to me..."

I smiled and thanked her for her wise words, she stubbed out her ciggarette on the back of a passing fly and led me through to the clothing vault where she kept her most priceless apparel.

DRESS No1- The Domestic Breast or House Tit.  

"This dress is one of my most faboulouse creations... notice how the roundness of the padding mimics the sensuous curve of a female breast... the gloves give off a distinct hint of domesticity which then becomes juxtaposed with the  floral textures of the fruit beret... you look good enougth to chew..."

I waddled over to the mirror and tears ran down my face. "I never knew i was so beautiful until this moment" I cried. 

Mrs De Roger was not satisfied yet though. 

"No...No... it is missing something... that spark... that va-va-voom-voom... wait, wait... i think i have the perfect dress!"

DRESS No2- The Silken womb of death. 

" This dress gives off the appearance of grandure... it is like a house made of silk that you can wear... the giant hat 
symbolizes the ever-present fear of being crushed by a giant hat. 

As you can see the poles that keep it in place  
are rickety and the men holding the poles are weak and sickly through lack of proper nutrition- it is in a permanent state of 
collapse... as such it is an apt metaphor for life!

 The dress itself is like a tent which could easily house a small family- 
as such it respresents the yearing of the male to crawl back into the safety of the womb... anyone who wears this dress

is sending a strong signal to obesrvers... this dress screams... I am a woman, come live inside me, i shall give you warmth  
until the day you die from being crushed by my head-gear!"

I looked into the mirror and saw myself as if for the first time. I  felt strong, uplifted, empowered as a woman. The moment was beautiful 
and not even spoiled when one of the men with  the poles collapsed and an ambulance and fire-truck had to be called to rescue me.

Whilst this commotion was going on Ms De Roger was alredy picking me out another brilliant creation. 

DRESS No3- The Primal Spotted Steed rearing to go. 

"This dress is my most sensouse and erotic creation... it symbolises the female yearing for the male penis... a mighty stallion that can sweep us off our feet... my late lover the Earl Of Swansea used to become aroused at the mere sight of me in this dress... i would wear it when he came home from
a long day of wearing medals and i would pounce on him in the boudouir and make mad passionate love to his mouth. I have many fond memeories of wearing this dress... as you can see it shows off your hind quarters to maximum effect."

I only heard some of Ms De Rogers above speech as i was rapidly loosing consiousness in the back of the dress due to her annoying habit of breaking wind every time she said the word 'the.'
I looked in the mirror but could only see Ms De Rogers arse. However the dress did give me the delicious feeling of primal sensuality and is one i wish i had worn to my prom all those years ago. 

"Now... there is one final creation i think you should try on before you leave my dear... just slip off the dress and i'll go fetch it for you..." 

DRESS No4- The unassuming bloom in the corner of the room. 

"Yes! Yes! Roast my scrumpy pumpkins and drizzle my pee-hole with honey! This is so you... it is the best in my latest range of camouflage clothing... designed for the lady who is too glamourous even for the eyes of strangers and who desires anonymity wherever she goes! You blend into the background so well my dear! I consider this my finest hour!"

I looked into the mirror and started laughing, the laughter was of joy, of saddness, of lost opertunities and new possibilities. I laughted more and more, harder and harder until i had to be escorted out of the building by secruity guards and then sectioned under a mental health order.
 Now i am through my fashion ordeal i finally have found an inner peace, an acceptance of who i really am and how i should dress in the future to maximise my happiness and wellbeing.  
I hope some of the tips in this article will inspire you to strive for greater fashion awerness and remember the great quote 'fashions fade but style is eternal ....and nudisms quite fun as well.' - Margret Thatcher. 

Lucy Roper being released early from Maudsley Mental Health Ward modeling 
a dress of her own design made from porcelain and her own saliva.  

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Ace Your Job Interview!

During these cash-strapped, under-nourished times when most people smell like tears and Special Brew it can be useful to find gainful employment and start earning money. Like most worthwhile things in life, getting a job requires hard work, dedication and begging on your knees like a dog.

Here are some useful tips for today's hardy job seeker-

Buy a suit and wear it on the day of your job interview. The more eye catching your suit the more chance you have of standing out from the crowd. Try dazzling lilac and sky blue tones topped off with a sprinkle of glitter. Alternatively you could catch their eyes by simply catching their eyes with your bare hands and physically turning their eyeballs until they are looking at your face. Remember to smile.

The more research you do before your job interview the better equipped you will be to answer questions. Find out the name of your future boss and if possible where they live and their hobbies Try hiding in the bushes outside their home for a week and find out detailed information you can later reveal. Remember to pack a camcorder and notebook.

You must show you are the best person for the job. For example- if the job requires someone who is good at typing make sure you are an asset to the company by simply breaking the other employees fingers until you are the only option. Similarly if the job requires good people skills or good hygiene just smear your co-workers with shite and tell your boss they touched you in your 'special area.' The job will be yours in the time it takes to file a police report.

Everyone appreciates good manners. The best way to ace a job interview is to remember the basics of 'please' and 'thank you.' Such as 'please give me this job…thank you for seeing me…' The louder and more often these phrases are repeated the better your chances of success so remember to shout and repeat until the job is yours.

Lastly you must remember to relax. After all- its only a job! A stressed employee is no good to anyone. So try and stooping and shambling into the interviewers office in a relaxed, casual manner, perhaps on all fours, light up a joint, fart, speak in slang terms like 'yo big daddy' and ''s'all good ma hommie,' and perhaps try a bit of yoga during the interview to loosen your joints.

If these tips are followed to the letter you will end up with a job, respect and most importantly money. I hope you will of course remember that it was my advice that got you this job and that you will reimburse me for my efforts generously. Just send a tenner, or even just a fiver, or only £1.69 for a can of special brew.

Then read my handy tips on pretending to work whilst merely gossiping and drinking coffee and my handy tips on not getting fired after you've got caught with your knob on the photocopier.

Good luck job seekers!

(Originally published on-line at The Spoof.)

How to come out as gay on a shoestring budget

As every man-loving chap-about-town knows, it can be difficult coming out of the closet. Particularly when the closet is full of naked men. But never fear, as this week i will take all the strain out of yelling from the rooftops 'I'm gay!!!' with my handy hints for closeted queens.

Number 1- The cloths a man wears tell a lot bout his interests and character. So instead of actually saying 'I'm gay' let your wardrobe do the talking. Purchase a T-shirt with the word 'gay' written across the chest. To avoid confusion also include the words 'gay as in likes cock, not happy- and this word refers to me- the official wearer of this t-shirt.' Place this in small print at the bottom of your T-shirt-shirt. This will also get a lot of needed attention down to your crotch area.

Number 2- Try flirting with persons of the same sex in front of family members. Try to avoid inadvertently flirting with family members by remembering who they are and avoiding their eye contact. Simply find some random same sex person, invite them round for Sunday lunch and obsessively rub their leg and laugh at everything they say in a very affected manner, avoiding all contact with family members until there is no doubt that you are in a minority.

Number 3- It is a fact well known to all evening television viewers that gay people like to be seen as 'camp.' So try to incorporate elements of campness into your personality. Try lifting the pitch of your voice a few octaves, make all your gestures fluid and graceful like a drifting butterfly and say the word 'hot' and 'babe' and 'oh my gawd' as many times as sanity will allow.

Number 4- Try telling your friends and family through the language of interpretive dance. Get their attention with a sudden outburst of 'oh my gawd, this is soooo hot, look here babe!' Before gesticulating wildly with your pelvis and flailing your limbs in vibrantly different directions before dramatically screaming and dropping to the floor into a puddle of tears. This display will tell your selected friends and family all they need to know about your difficult situation.

Number 5- Everyone knows that hard times are made easier by the presence of other people. United we stand, divided we fall. So invite several handfuls of diverse people round to
your parents house and all chant in unison "Gay! Gay! Gay! We are Gay!" This will take most of the fear out of the situation, at least for you.

Number 6- Try using the power of subtlety by simply leaving certain homo-associated items around your home for friends to casually peruse. Such as a copy of 'The City and the pillar' by Gore Vidal or the black and white movie 'Death in Venice.' Or if your friends are thick as pig shit, a large butt plug and tub of industrial lubricant. If your friends don't notice the subtly, try coughing and pointing or wave it in their face whilst singing Queen's anthem 'I want to break free.'

Number 7- If all else fails simply write them a letter. Letters have the strength to allow us to unleash our deepest feelings without personal contact. Put some creativity into the letter by writing it in your own blood onto lavender scented paper. The simple words 'I've got something to tell you that i think you should know. I'm on the other side. I load in the backdoor. I know you will understand.' should suffice. Pin it to their front door under cover of darkness. This will allow the other person to come to terms with the information in their own time. If your friend suddenly packs up and flees to Russia never to be seen again they probably aren't a good friend and should be crossed off the Christmas card list.

Number 8- Try getting other people to do the work for you by spreading a rumor around your town or workplace. Graffiti the words 'Simon is a gay boy!' onto the walls and wait for the word to spread. This tactic works best if your name is Simon. Or try getting drunk and accidentally blurting it out to a random stranger before swearing them to secrecy. Such is human nature that the word will spread by lunchtime. Provided you're drunk at breakfast.

Number 9- Try and get your friends to ask you directly by subtly turning the conversation round to sexuality. Such as if a friend says 'have you read any good books lately?' You should reply 'books are gay.' Then wait for their reply. Or if they ask 'have you seen the latest Star Wars movie?' You should say 'Star Wars is gay.' This may work, unless your friend is an avid fan, in which case you should say this from a safe distance away. Remember that this tactic can be used anywhere at anytime as everything is potentially gay.

Number 10- The final tactic for coming out the closet is to get married and start a loving family. During this process, which could take a decade to see through, you should try and become a pillar of your local community. Perhaps run for local elections, join your neighborhood watch, start a book club and cultivate an image of steadfast moral decency. When everyone is sick of your sanctimonious, self-righteous, dogmatic twattery, post a photo of yourself giving oral relief to an underage gypsy lad on the Internet, print out copies and stick them up around town.
When the story becomes front page of the local papers you can burst into tears and yell at the press 'I've been living a lie! I feel so free! I can finally be myself and say to the world, i am a gay man!'

This tip does require some dedication on the part of the person doing it and you should definitely make sure you aren't just bi-curious before attempting it.

Well that's it for this week. I hope i have given you some food for thought. I like to think of these tips as being like an erect penis... they often come in handy.

(Originally published on-line at The Spoof.)

Get A Bigger Penis or Die Trying

It is hardly a secret that most men in Britain today wish they had a willy the size of a blue whale. But sadly, only several men are blessed in this way.

There are many benefits to having a large penis such as more sex, being served quicker in shops, having a bigger penis, more sex, making people in swimming pools gasp, having a bigger penis, being able to whip it out anywhere without shame, being able to administer self satisfaction, not having to reach for the remote control, having a bigger penis, starring in porn films, being able to make a shadow puppet of an anaconda, more sex, never need a bottle opener, fainting every time you get an erection,
having a bigger penis etc.

It is true that most conventional cures don't work such as the often Spam advertised pills, potions, mechanical stretchers and self-esteem therapy. These things merely prey on the male sense of inadequacy which is why they sell millions every year.

So physical growth is impossible; however there are many ways to get the same high and to fake as if you have a large one, as revealed below:

Get your girlfriend or partner to scream every time you take your pants off, possibly clutching at their hearts and going white as a sheet.

Give yourself a nickname such as 'Big Dave' or 'Pork Sword Steve' or 'Big Dick' and make sure everyone calls you this. Change your name with the government so your new name appears on your bills.

Stuff a coke bottle down your trousers like they used to do on Top of the Pops. Make sure you walk with a swagger, thumbs in belt and nod, wink and thrust your hips at everyone you meet.

Start every conversation with the phrase 'I've got a big cock.' This should be said as matter of fact as possible but with a slight smirk like a complete idiot would do.

Make two papier mache moulds of your penis, glue them together and paint them pink. Wear this whenever you get changed in the gym or swimming baths.

When standing at a urinal make sure you stand further back then anyone else and feel comfortable to start a conversation with the average males next to you. As above: start conversation with "My name is Big Dave. I've got a large cock." Then nod and wink.

As a last desperate measure you could go to a plastic surgeon and get him to take fat off your stomach or thighs and inject it into your penis. Although this may just make your penis lumpy and lop sided.

If all else fails become a Buddhist and hope that when resurrected you come back either as a well endowed man or a blue whale.

I hope these tips will prove useful to you and remember if anything goes wrong, such as decapitation or exploding testicles, I cannot be blamed.

(Originally published on-line at The Spoof.)

Top 10 Feng Shui Decorating Tips

For those with an avid belief in Feng Shui decorating your house can be difficult as most people who believe in Feng Shui live in government sponsored 'rest-homes.' But fear not! As this week we give you our ten top tips for good Chi living!

Tip number one is simple- make sure your house has a chair. Several if you actually have friends or relatives. Make sure this is positioned in a place where people won't trip over it. This is important for circling Chi around the buttocks, thighs and lower back. In China they sit on chairs and it's said by some that they live forever!

Tip number two- make sure your house has a toilet. This can be placed wherever the Feng Shui approved plumber says is best. If you're lucky you may already find one in the smaller room of your house. This is good for Chi in the lower intestine and colon. In China they squat over a hole in the dirt, but that's for enlightened people only. Best start slow!

Tip number three- a bed is good for sleeping in. Chi is strongest in the midnight hours so a bed is essential! A bed can also be used for reading, masturbating and arguing with your spouse in. In China they call beds 'coi carp' and the Chinese invented Chinese food… so there!

Tip number four- If you posses coffee coasters or a vase you will need to purchase a table. This allows Chi to cuddle your spleen. The Chinese invented Feng Shui after Emperor Tang-Woo hit his shin on a dishwasher.

Tip number five- cleanliness is next to Chi-ness so get a bath super quick. When touching your naked body with warm soapy water just think of Chi and Chi will think of you. The Chinese bathe together in giant communal city baths shaped like lobsters.

Tip number six- A doormat is not essential but it is essential that it is placed outside your door. There are 626 doormat related Feng Shui disasters every month when people inadvertently place doormats over their respiratory passages. In China drinking tea through a straw is punishable by death.

Tip number seven- stairs are for walking up, not down. If you need to go downstairs for any reason, phone your friendly local fire brigade. In China stairs are used only by homosexuals.

Tip number eight- you will need to purchase a map of china and hang it above your bed. For really healthy Chi levels it is best to buy several and place them in prominent positions around your house. Every time you pass one of these flags you must say 'Hail china!' Those who do this are blessed by the Chinese dragon God. In China cheese is mostly purple.

Tip number nine- if you are serious about this whole Feng Shui business you must get a passport and come to China. It is the only way brothers and sisters! In China the people are made out of animation.

Tip number ten- Come to China! Join us! We will make you strong! Join our swelling ranks! Unity! Peace! China forever! And remember to purchase a sink for those dirty dishes. In China they all talk like that Chinese bloke off the telly.

Hopefully you now have a lot to think about and keep you busy over the coming months. If you have benefited from this article then come to China and join us, join us, join us, join us…

(Article originally published on-line at The Spoof)

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Masterchef Critique Vol No1

Masterchef has always been a mystery to me. I watch it comulsivley with a visual gluttony that must have added ten pounds of beef to my brainbox and yet i am never sure why it has this effect on me.
I am a lover of food it is true and like most of the target audience i have a frying pan that has seen little more then some burgers and bacon yet it hangs on the wall dreaming of sizzling horse buttock and lamb wrist.
So i suppose i watch the show whilst eating my heart kicking fry ups as a way to trick myself and imagine that my burnt baked beans are some three star dollop of greatness.

A food show should ideally make tthe food the star as masterchef tries to do by having close up shots of shiny pyramids of meat and veg whilst light techno music drones away in the background. There's truely nothing as great to a food-a-holic as a bowl of pasta being nudged by a camera lense as 'can you feel it?' by the jackson five plays over the top.
In masterchef though the undoubted stars of the show are the reactions of the judges. Their facial muscles can contort into a symphony of orgasmic delight or tortured fever depending on how many minuites the young man with the droopy eyelids left the fish under the grill for.

Whilst some food shows are content with food porn masterchef takes the fetishisation of food into the realm of erotic art. The punters who turn up to showcase their skills are yet another mystery to me. How can someone possibly love food as much as they seem to? Beyond it seems even their own wellbeing or mental health?
I have heard of food as being fuel, comfort, gastro masterbation, aphrodisiac and, after a night on the town, a miracle medicenol cure but what is this? Food as the sole pinacle of human achievment? Can this sweaty body of flesh, bone and blood aspire towards nothing greater then raising the humble teacake towards gastronomic perfection? Not according to some of the chefs.

It is nice to see so many real people on television. Real in the sense of there's nothing else
they could be on, the fact that the camera spends most of the time on their hands and the entrails, diced fish heads and bloody knives that they hold tells us that these grusome objects have more asthetic value then the faces of the people holding them.
I watched as one young man told Michel Rue of his dream of opening his own resterant and i thought 'well you'd better learn how to shut your mouth when you breath before you dream of opening anything else.'

Harsh as i can be when engrossed in watching television i do empathise with the plight of these poor souls when their deluded dreams are cracked like a rotten egg on the hard edge of reality. They put so much heart and soul into the not so simple act of cooking only to be told 'your pasta is too thick' which they take as a personal insult much as if the chef had said 'your eyes are too close together and your dry complxion made me want to heave up my breakfast and heart
medication even though i might suffer a cardiac arrest without them, i would welcolm death over the thought of having to eat one more spoonful of your so called spaghetti. Child, tho hast sinned!'

All in all there is enougth tension, drama, passion and sizzle to make this show the perfect appertiser to your own evening meal. Just remember that without food you will die but don't take eating all that seriously. Eating is just the nessecery yet gruelling foundation to the later rather more satisfying poo.