So i decided to recruit some help in my quest for a fashion upgrade and who better to ask then Ms Maple De Roger the editor of several high profile fashion magazines and world renowned trend setter?
Ms Maple De Roger being amused by the plight of the poor.
When i walked into her office she looked me up and down, took a long drag on her marlboro light and said:
"Daaaarling... you are sick. I can hear your soul screaming out to me for help. Look at your shoes, they are like acid to my eyes... your dress... i have seen dresses like this in my nightmares... you are a disease to me..."
I smiled and thanked her for her wise words, she stubbed out her ciggarette on the back of a passing fly and led me through to the clothing vault where she kept her most priceless apparel.
DRESS No1- The Domestic Breast or House Tit.
"This dress is one of my most faboulouse creations... notice how the roundness of the padding mimics the sensuous curve of a female breast... the gloves give off a distinct hint of domesticity which then becomes juxtaposed with the floral textures of the fruit beret... you look good enougth to chew..."
I waddled over to the mirror and tears ran down my face. "I never knew i was so beautiful until this moment" I cried.
Mrs De Roger was not satisfied yet though.
"No...No... it is missing something... that spark... that va-va-voom-voom... wait, wait... i think i have the perfect dress!"
DRESS No2- The Silken womb of death.
" This dress gives off the appearance of grandure... it is like a house made of silk that you can wear... the giant hat
symbolizes the ever-present fear of being crushed by a giant hat.
As you can see the poles that keep it in place
are rickety and the men holding the poles are weak and sickly through lack of proper nutrition- it is in a permanent state of
collapse... as such it is an apt metaphor for life!
The dress itself is like a tent which could easily house a small family-
as such it respresents the yearing of the male to crawl back into the safety of the womb... anyone who wears this dress
is sending a strong signal to obesrvers... this dress screams... I am a woman, come live inside me, i shall give you warmth
until the day you die from being crushed by my head-gear!"
I looked into the mirror and saw myself as if for the first time. I felt strong, uplifted, empowered as a woman. The moment was beautiful
and not even spoiled when one of the men with the poles collapsed and an ambulance and fire-truck had to be called to rescue me.
Whilst this commotion was going on Ms De Roger was alredy picking me out another brilliant creation.
DRESS No3- The Primal Spotted Steed rearing to go.
"This dress is my most sensouse and erotic creation... it symbolises the female yearing for the male penis... a mighty stallion that can sweep us off our feet... my late lover the Earl Of Swansea used to become aroused at the mere sight of me in this dress... i would wear it when he came home from
a long day of wearing medals and i would pounce on him in the boudouir and make mad passionate love to his mouth. I have many fond memeories of wearing this dress... as you can see it shows off your hind quarters to maximum effect."
I only heard some of Ms De Rogers above speech as i was rapidly loosing consiousness in the back of the dress due to her annoying habit of breaking wind every time she said the word 'the.'
I looked in the mirror but could only see Ms De Rogers arse. However the dress did give me the delicious feeling of primal sensuality and is one i wish i had worn to my prom all those years ago.
"Now... there is one final creation i think you should try on before you leave my dear... just slip off the dress and i'll go fetch it for you..."
DRESS No4- The unassuming bloom in the corner of the room.
"Yes! Yes! Roast my scrumpy pumpkins and drizzle my pee-hole with honey! This is so you... it is the best in my latest range of camouflage clothing... designed for the lady who is too glamourous even for the eyes of strangers and who desires anonymity wherever she goes! You blend into the background so well my dear! I consider this my finest hour!"
I looked into the mirror and started laughing, the laughter was of joy, of saddness, of lost opertunities and new possibilities. I laughted more and more, harder and harder until i had to be escorted out of the building by secruity guards and then sectioned under a mental health order.
Now i am through my fashion ordeal i finally have found an inner peace, an acceptance of who i really am and how i should dress in the future to maximise my happiness and wellbeing.
I hope some of the tips in this article will inspire you to strive for greater fashion awerness and remember the great quote 'fashions fade but style is eternal ....and nudisms quite fun as well.' - Margret Thatcher.
Lucy Roper being released early from Maudsley Mental Health Ward modeling
a dress of her own design made from porcelain and her own saliva.