The first experience came when i was a child and very fond of bumblebees. I would collect any that i found straying into the garden and imprison them within a large glass jar that i would hang by a thin piece of string above my bed, directly over my face so i could observe the relaxing flight of these insipid creatures before i fell asleep.
Well as you can imagine, one day the inevitable happened when i woke up suddenly, sat bolt upright and got hit in the face with a baseball bat.
I remember being wheeled into the hospital and then...all was darkness and i could see this vivid white light
swirling in the distance and i remember thinking 'i've got to touch it, i've got to reach the light.' Next thing i remember i woke up in a corridoor of A&E clutching a half eaten bag of maltesers trying to copulate with a vending machine.
My next experience was a little more serene thank god. I was out flying a kite near the edge of a cliff in Hyde Park (i supply my own cliffs for just such occasions) when a sudden gust of wind sent me sailing into the engine of a Boeing 747.
I remember, once again, the swirling tunnel of bright white light and this time there were voices, a choir of long lost freinds and family chanting in the background 'No more Peas! No more Peas!' It still makes no more sense to me now but i shall ensure i am cremated with a good supply of vegetables.
My next NDE (as we commonly abbreviate the term Near Death Experience to save some of those precious little moments of irretrievable time) came when i was on honeymoon with my third wife Lionel.
She sat on the edge of the bed in order to apply some ointment in an erotic fashion to the tip of my phallic shaped big toe and sent me flying through the ceiling.
When i crash landed she started crying and apologizing, saying that she needed to lose a bit of weight
to stop such things from happening again. I told her that might well be a good idea as she was unnaturally large. She knocked me out with a single blow. I didn't mean to be rude, its just i don't think women should take so many steroids.
My last such Near Death Experience... whoops, sorry... NHE came about last Tuesday. I was out in the garden planting Charlie, Davy and Lilleth (I like to give my marrows names to encourage them to be achievers) when i suddenly felt a tight, fiery pain in my chest.
I finished planting the marrows and then looked down and noticed that i had been wearing my glasses on a chain around my neck and the sunshine had been magnified into a laser beam and burned a hole through my chest.
This wasn't as frightening an ecperience as it sounds because even the worst problem doesn't seem so bad when you are out in the garden with the birds singing.
I went inside the house and tried to phone an ambulance but couldn't lift the reciever. Then i remembered that it was one of those pesky out of body experiences one reads about in Penthouse.
I decided to sit it out and wait for them to revive my body... i've been here for a week... can't be long now...