There are many benefits to having a large penis such as more sex, being served quicker in shops, having a bigger penis, more sex, making people in swimming pools gasp, having a bigger penis, being able to whip it out anywhere without shame, being able to administer self satisfaction, not having to reach for the remote control, having a bigger penis, starring in porn films, being able to make a shadow puppet of an anaconda, more sex, never need a bottle opener, fainting every time you get an erection, having a bigger penis etc.
It is true that most conventional cures don't work such as the often Spam advertised pills, potions, mechanical stretchers and self-esteem therapy. These things merely prey on the male sense of inadequacy which is why they sell millions every year.
So physical growth is impossible; however there are many ways to get the same high and to fake as if you have a large one, as revealed below:
Get your girlfriend or partner to scream every time you take your pants off, possibly clutching at their hearts and going white as a sheet.
Give yourself a nickname such as 'Big Dave' or 'Pork Sword Steve' or 'Big Dick' and make sure everyone calls you this. Change your name with the government so your new name appears on your bills.
Stuff a coke bottle down your trousers like they used to do on Top of the Pops. Make sure you walk with a swagger, thumbs in belt and nod, wink and thrust your hips at everyone you meet.
Start every conversation with the phrase 'I've got a big cock.' This should be said as matter of fact as possible but with a slight smirk like a complete idiot would do.
Make two papier mache moulds of your penis, glue them together and paint them pink. Wear this whenever you get changed in the gym or swimming baths.
When standing at a urinal make sure you stand further back then anyone else and feel comfortable to start a conversation with the average males next to you. As above: start conversation with "My name is Big Dave. I've got a large cock." Then nod and wink.
As a last desperate measure you could go to a plastic surgeon and get him to take fat off your stomach or thighs and inject it into your penis. Although this may just make your penis lumpy and lop sided.
If all else fails become a Buddhist and hope that when resurrected you come back either as a well endowed man or a blue whale.
I hope these tips will prove useful to you and remember if anything goes wrong, such as decapitation or exploding testicles, I cannot be blamed.
So physical growth is impossible; however there are many ways to get the same high and to fake as if you have a large one, as revealed below:
Get your girlfriend or partner to scream every time you take your pants off, possibly clutching at their hearts and going white as a sheet.
Give yourself a nickname such as 'Big Dave' or 'Pork Sword Steve' or 'Big Dick' and make sure everyone calls you this. Change your name with the government so your new name appears on your bills.
Stuff a coke bottle down your trousers like they used to do on Top of the Pops. Make sure you walk with a swagger, thumbs in belt and nod, wink and thrust your hips at everyone you meet.
Start every conversation with the phrase 'I've got a big cock.' This should be said as matter of fact as possible but with a slight smirk like a complete idiot would do.
Make two papier mache moulds of your penis, glue them together and paint them pink. Wear this whenever you get changed in the gym or swimming baths.
When standing at a urinal make sure you stand further back then anyone else and feel comfortable to start a conversation with the average males next to you. As above: start conversation with "My name is Big Dave. I've got a large cock." Then nod and wink.
As a last desperate measure you could go to a plastic surgeon and get him to take fat off your stomach or thighs and inject it into your penis. Although this may just make your penis lumpy and lop sided.
If all else fails become a Buddhist and hope that when resurrected you come back either as a well endowed man or a blue whale.
I hope these tips will prove useful to you and remember if anything goes wrong, such as decapitation or exploding testicles, I cannot be blamed.
(Originally published on-line at The Spoof.)
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